I'm Not Beautiful Like You.......I'm Beautiful Like Me

I can't guarantee that this post is going to make any sense, but today has just been a day and I want to get thoughts out somehow.

Sundays are my rest days now since I am busy the other 6 days of the week with everything else. At first I wasn't thrilled with the Sunday rest schedule because Sunday's were my jam at the gym, but now I am glad this is the day I rest. I still end up at the gym but it is just to take photos and work on my posing. Absolutely no work outs involved.

Today started as a normal Sunday though, I got plenty of rest last night (like 10pm to 730am) which is not a usual for me anymore. I woke up feeling great after yesterday's high carb reward meal day. Had my first meal, did a little meal prep, and went to the gym for posing and photos. On my way got a little coffee treat.

I was feeling good before I started posing. Quick looks in the mirror while I was walking around in my heels and I was noticing the changes in part of my body just over the past week. My legs were looking tighter and my upper body looking fierce. I have been trying to practice my poses in some form every time I'm walking past a mirror because that is the only way I'm going to get better. So I was really hoping posing today would go better than the last few times.

Today though I was struggling with getting my lats to flare. I know that is a hard pose in general but I was having luck with it lately. Today though, it just wasn't happening. Then mentally I started nitpicking at things that I don't need to. Why can't I just figure it out? Why doesn't my stomach look good yet? Will I be ready for this?

Got through our posing session and put my smile on so I could get home. My appetite hasn't been much today and my schedule is out of whack. I felt like I could close my eyes and go to sleep at any moment so around 2 I thought I would take a short little nap. I thought my body was finally just needing to shut down for awhile and catch up. However, I don't think I ever actually fell asleep. I did lay in bed for almost 2 hours, eyes closed, but I don't think I actually slept. Maybe that is okay though. My brain wouldn't shut off and I was having body aches.

Got up in an off mood and got my meal prepping done with no excuses.

So back to my doubts, I am 12 weeks out from the big day and I still have time to perfect my posing. I still have time for my body to continue to change. I know it will change because it did when I did the trial run and it is still changing every day. As I'm typing this I am reminding myself that almost 4 years ago I was a lazy bum weighing 252 pounds. Reminding myself that my body has been through a huge transformation over the past 10 years. My body had grown two amazing kids over the course of 4 years, my body had gained 70 pounds over those 4 years, and my body has lost 97 pounds over another 4 years. I have lucked out in the fact that with all of the transformations I have gone through that my body has reacted the way it has with elasticity in my skin. Most people who lose the amount of weight I have would require skin removal surgery. I on the other hand don't have much for loose skin other than my midsection.

My midsection however though is the one area that I am the most self conscious about. Not because my stomach is covered in stretch marks. I earned every single one of those stretch marks becoming a mother. Those stripes are mine and mine forever. My worry is the loose skin and I know that this is the very last thing to happen and it will happen. I have to stop worrying about it. I have to remember that when I went and witnessed my first competition last year that all of the amazing women on that stage had different bodies and they rocked the shit out of it. Moms up there on that stage who also had stretch marks and loose skin. 

However, I will say that as I was putting together my little photo comparisons this evening, I see progress. I see change where change needs to happen. I see me who is letting her confidence show in the poses she is capable of right now. I am a work in progress and I am happy with what I see. This transformation isn't just from 1/1/17 to 4/15/17. This transformation started on 5/1/13 and will never stop. 

I see my strong points physically and it is just a matter of figuring out how to get those strong points to reflect when I'm posing. How to show off the amount of work I put in every day. 

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So even though I felt like today was a hard day for me, I know it was a day where I needed to just rest and relax. A day where I let myself get in my head but I am not defeated. I love who I see in the mirror and I am no model. I am me and only me. I'm not beautiful like anyone else out there. I'm beautiful like me and only me.

Follow up post

It has been a couple weeks since I wrote the last post into my journal. Time management has definitely been tough to keep but I will get there.

Right now work is crazy busy for me with audit and tax season, but luckily our first deadline is in a few weeks so the pressure will ease up there a little bit. Working roughly 50 hours a week makes for long days sometimes but got to make the money and pay the bills somehow, right?

Add the long work days to the training schedule, 6 days in the gym. Sometimes going back after work to get an extra quick cardio session in can be tough and times where I wish I would have done it all at once, but then again time management. Would I rather get up at 3 am everyday to make sure I got my gym time in, or split up the time in the gym and do a quick 30 minute session as a stress reliever after a long day at work? I choose the later. Most nights that might mean I don't get home until 7 or 8 and that takes away time from the family, but I make a point to make up for that on my rest day. That rest day is meant for family time because if they are going to support me in this journey then I need to be there for them as well. I can't leave them in dust just because I am trying to prove something to myself.

Nutrition hasn't been difficult, luckily my current nutrition is all planned out for me so all I have to do is cook it and eat it. That is the one thing I do take care of on my rest day is making sure that my meals are planned for the week. It is pretty simple since I am really only eating a few different varieties of food right now so prep doesn't take me quite as long. In all honestly the measuring and weighing everything takes the longest and dividing everything up into ziploc bags. But that is the only way I can guarantee I am fueling my body right now with everything it needs. If I don't fuel my body properly then I am not going to see change and I am going to get run down extremely fast.

Last week was tough adjusting to the schedule of training, work, and mom/wife duties but I managed to push them and rested up as much as I could Saturday/Sunday. This second week has been a lot better now that I have adjusted to the routine. Most of my days I wake up determined and with my game face on ready to hit that gym hard and make sure I get that time in. I have already witnessed the change since I made this commitment a year ago, but now the true changes are really going to happen.

Competitions are a sport and they are tough but right now I also think they can be fun. The excitement of seeing the change in the body. The excitement of what all of the hard work and end result is. The excitement of knowing that in roughly 12 weeks I will be standing on a stage in front of however many people and being judged for my physique. Regardless I am an athlete and I am competing in a sport with numerous other amazing athletes.

Since sticking to my nutrition I have gone from 164 (only a little weight gain from the holidays thankfully) to 160, but my body is changing as well and my posing is slowly getting better.

I am so very thankful for the help and knowledge I am receiving from fellow competitors right now as well. Posing is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be so I have to practice as much as I can. Every time I'm in the mirror I will try and do a pose or get a muscle to pop. It is a workout in itself to get the muscles and twisting the way you want it to go. It also shows my weak points in my body structure (spinal issues) as I have issues with twisting one way better than the other. 

I have a lot of work still to continue doing over the next 12 weeks but I have what it takes.

Here I go....14 Weeks Out! (Post from 1/6/17)

This post is actually from my journal from 1/6/17 but I have been so busy that I haven't had time to get it out to everyone else yet. So here it goes.....

The time has come to get real. Time to get serious. The commitment I made to last February is here and it is go time. These last few months have been a ride. Life in general is good, not perfect, but good. I'm still trying to figure out how to live for me and to be okay with that. I'm loving me but I have to figure out the rest.

I made a commitment to myself and it is time to follow through. I completed my trial run of prep for a competition in November and I felt amazing through it all. Tweaking as we went and figuring it all out. Watching my body change over the weeks and really being able to see what I am capable of. 

I have talked the talk the last few months and now it is time to prove to myself that I got this. I don't need to prove it to anyone else. I know people will be there to cheer me on and support me but those people aren't who I'm doing this for. Do I need their support?? Absolutely!!!! But I am doing this for me. I am doing this competition because I have gone through such a transformation that I want to prove to myself that anything is possible after all of what I have accomplished. I committed to doing this for me. I have gone through the transformation of a shy overweight mom/wife to a mom full of sparkle and muscles. 

I'm ready to put in the work that is needed. I am 14 weeks out from being on a stage in a bikini!!!! Like seriously, is this really happening??

It didn't really set in until I received my training and nutrition schedule from Rachel. That made everything real. Time to see what I am made of. Can I manage the schedule of being in the gym, work, nutrition, and still being a mom/wife at home. Time management will have to be my friend. 

No excuses!!!! No Pain No Gain!!!

These are my starting photos from 12/31/16. Photos to be taken weekly!