Happiness within Me

It has been almost two months since I stepped foot on stage and it has still been a struggle to find balance. Not just balance with nutrition and workouts, but deep down finding that balance of my happiness again. My sparkle has disappeared. My joy and complete happiness has diminished. I have found myself resorting back to that fake smile that I use to have so that everyone thought I was okay. The many times I was asked "Are you okay?" and I would respond "Yes". I didn't want to face the fact that I wasn't.

When I started my journey 4 years ago, it was to find me and to be happy with me. Throughout all of the ups and downs I had found that. Last year I was happy with me. I didn't give a crap what the scale said because I was happy. I had self confidence everywhere I went. I had that sparkle in my eyes.

The tough times are all part of this journey. I'm not being real with anyone if I only share the good, the victories, the pounds lost, or the goals achieved. What about the injuries, the set backs, the pounds gained, or the losing what I had found in myself. I don't need to be perfect to inspire or to be happy, I just need to be me. The real me that shares all of the good and the bad.

A couple of days ago, I had created a photo that I was going to post for motivation for everyone. That moment I was so proud of two months ago. A moment that I am still proud of, but a moment that sometimes doesn't feel like something I had achieved because of how I feel today.

Transformation #1 - March 2013 to April 2017. Proudest moment
of my journey competing in the NPC Big Sky Championships.

However, on this particular day, a photo came up on Timehop reminding me of where I was a year ago. That photo made me upset. Made me look in the mirror and think to myself, "What the hell are you doing Krystal?". I use to push myself to the max in my workouts, I didn't struggle with nutrition, and most importantly I just had fun. Right now though, I work out but most days I feel like I am just going through the motions. No drive, no why, no reason to be there other than because that is my routine. I've been finding ways to be active more with Landon and Reiley but I'm letting my nutrition fall completely. Landon has even noticed it and has made comments to me as to why I'm not eating my prepared foods. The mom that was showing them how to live a healthy life was starting to feel like she was failing at that. 

Hike to Holland Falls May 2017

Overlooking Holland Lake from the falls

Hiking to Lake Como Falls (PS we didn't make it
so I don't have a photo to share.)

An 11 mile hike from Pattee Canyon to the "M"
with three 5th grade classes.

But as of Monday, June 5th, I am done. I am done hurting mentally and phyically. I am done faking it. I am done just going through the motions. I am going back to the basics because I have the knowledge. I didn't just go through the past 4 years of "dieting". I created a healthy lifestyle for myself that I was fueling my mind, body, and spirit with. My nutrition will be in check and balanced. No more sugar. Accountability starts now. I will still have fun with my family throughout the summer but with balance. 

Being a person who has gone from being active in school, to obese, and back to a healthy lifestyle, it is a struggle sometimes to keep that lifestyle over time. The old habits of binge eating come back. Laying in bed or on the couch eating that ice cream while watching TV. Or buying cookies or boxes of candy and eating the whole package before realizing what I had just done. Sometimes I feel alone in my journey because some people just don't get it. This doesn't mean I'm not dedicated to fitness, or a sport, or to just being healthy. I wasn't born with genetics of that body that people strive for. I am striving for the body that I am comfortable in. I am striving to just be happy and healthy. This just proves that I am normal and I have lived both sides of this journey through and through. 

This is my life and this is REAL. So right now, it is day by day. It's about not having a goal because I don't need a goal to be successful or happy. I might be an all in person, but goals aren't what is going to keep me alive. My strive for being healthy is what will keep my heart beating. Right now, i'm focusing on me and finding the happiness within me again. Mentally I need to be better and the physical part will follow. 

So stay tuned for transformation #2. I didn't train to compete with others, I trained to be alive and live my life to the fullest. I will look at the tattoo on my foot everyday to remind myself, "I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy."