Most of you know that I ramble my thoughts out when I write and this is going to be another one of those cases. I promised myself that I would always be true to those you have gotten to know me or my journey over the 5 years which meant that I would show the good, the bad, and the ugly. Right now if one of those moments.
My head nor heart haven't been in the right place for a good year and a half when it comes to this fitness and health journey that I have been on. From everything involving nutrition, to workouts, to just not being happy with myself. It has been an absolute struggle. There have been so many times over this time frame that I would tell myself, "Today is the day to get off of this damn struggle bus and get my ass in gear." only to fail. I would tell others that I was ready to do this but in all honest reality, I was fooling myself and them. Some people close to me might have been able to see that and see that the spark I once had was no longer there.
These past couple months finally caught up to me. I kept making excuses of it's summer time so it doesn't matter what I do as I'm enjoying life. Excuses of being an emotional eater. Or its one reward meal that would lead into another and another. Or back to the old mindset of I worked out today so I can eat that and its fine. We have had a lot going on with me working extremely long hours during tax season, trying to finish the house remodel from last year, finding out that our dog needed to have ACL surgery (and now needing the other side done), and the every day busyness/stress of being an adult and a parent. Stress was a major issue. Emotions have been on high. Just overall not feeling the greatest either.
I went to the gym pretty consistently but my eating sucked. Going to the gym was feeling like a chore. I had days where I would wake up and I literally had to force myself out of bed to go. The getting up wasn't the hard part, it was the destination that was because that destination wasn't my happy place any longer. Most days when I would go to the gym, I hated every minute that I was there. Cardio wasn't fun. Lifting weights wasn't fun. Boxing, the one passion I had really grown to over the years, wasn't fun. I loved the people I would see at the gym, but hated everything else about it.I would meal prep and most days I wouldn't eat what I prepped for the week. This of course also meant that I was throwing money into the garbage because I was wasting food. Food that use to fuel my body everyday and now I didn't want to eat. I would try every possible way to make it look good or to taste good and it didn't matter. Something else always looked better.
I also was disliking myself. Disliking the person in the mirror. Body dysmorphia and self hate at its finest. Part of that came from the time I was training for my figure competition at the Big Sky Championships because I was seeing things in my body I had never seen. I had abs, I had muscles, but I was also super lean and unhealthy looking. I know that deep down but my mind keeps playing tricks on me wishing it still looked like that. Any other person would look at me today and probably think I look amazing for the journey that I have been on and applaud me for it. But that's not what I see on most days. I have the occasional good days where the body staring back at me in the mirror looked like the body I have sweated over trying to construct to look the way it does. But those days are usually far and in between. It isn't just the body image I dislike though. I have days where I feel like I have failed. Failed to the promise I made myself when I started 5 years ago. Failed in my boys eyes. Failed to my husband because I have gone backwards and not feeling comfortable naked.
I took the last 3 weeks to step back. I stopped going to the gym completely, deleted social media during the day for mental breaks and to stop comparing myself to other people. My nutrition was what it was. I wasn't super focused on that either. I mentally needed a break from it all and just try and find myself again. Find my WHY or that GOAL that would get me going again. I'm still not there but today I took that one step forward. My body has been craving the workouts because it always feels better after. My heart and mind though weren't ready and weren't connected to what my body wanted. However, for the past week I kept thinking get up and go to class and see what it feels like.
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| After boxing today |
So finally today I went to boxing. I almost didn't go, but I had some other ladies who are also struggling getting back on track tell me I better go, so I did. I was nervous after the break that my endurance would suck. I died a little in class, but overall I felt SO much better about it. I walked in with a purpose for today and today only. Today's purpose was to put my own face on that punching bag and beat the crap out of her. Knock some sense into the person staring back wanting to give up. Every punch I threw was my way of telling her NO. She needed to be put in her place and reminded of what she is made of. She is made of more than she could ever imagine. I needed to leave it all there on that bag. That bag has been my therapy for the last 4 years because when I need something that isn't going to talk or hit back, I can take it all out there. That bag has always been my happy place and I wanted that back. The only face that mattered to me today was my own and proving to myself that I am not a quitter and this is just another chapter in this journey.
I don't have a plan or a goal or an exact WHY. Right now, I am taking everything day by day and I'm going to go back to how I started my journey, to an extent. Back to the beginning. Basics. No scale. Day to day. Baby steps. Ideally I just want to be as confident as I was before I competed. Maintainable weight and comfortable. I want to remain healthy, be able to continue to be there and active with our boys, to feel like I can be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be in love with the person I see staring back at me in the mirror.
