The last couple of years I have grown into a person who I can believe in again. The journey I started the day that I walked into a gym was a journey to change who I was and truly be happy with me again. When I look back at the photos of the person trying on clothes or being forced to be in a photo, all I can see is someone who was unhappy. Someone who didn't believe in herself. Someone who hated life. Someone who didn't know who she was anymore. To be told I was beautiful was something I didn't take to heart. I always saw it as people just trying to be nice and not truly meaning what they meant. It didn't matter if it was coming from my family, friends, or even my husband. It didn't matter because I didn't believe it. I was someone who was there physically but mentally was at a complete loss. The someone who wouldn't let a true smile (you know the one) unless I faked it. I had to make a change, and the only way that change was going to happen was by going big. Walking through those doors to a gym and deciding that my life was important and that I needed to save the soul of the person who wasn't me. That day I had to not be afraid of what challenges would lie ahead of me. The changes that I would not only experience physically but also mentally and emotionally. It wasn't going to be easy but it had to happen and I had to find my "WHY". I had found the desire that I needed to love myself again, to be happy, and to let the real me shine through.
I knew in my heart that the old me was still there. It was just buried deep inside and trying to dig herself out through all the sadness. I was always a shy person but once people got to know me I could really let them in. But as I buried myself in weight, I wasn't comfortable letting people in. It was hard to not want to continue being the shy uncomfortable person that nobody would want to talk to. Being uncomfortable in my own skin though prevented me from things that I wish wasn't the case. When you are uncomfortable the only thing I ever thought was "What do people really think of me that they don't want to say to my face?". I would care more about what others thought then what I thought about myself.
I wasn't doing this for my husband. I wasn't doing this for my family or my friends. The people I loved also couldn't do it for me. I had to put in the hard work myself. Today, I am still Krystal, but I can actually believe in who I am. I can let people in and get to know them and let them get to know the real me. I don't have to hide in the corner anymore with my head hanging low because I am embarrassed of how I look. I don't feel like I have to worry as much about what people think.
Did the scale change? Well of course it did. I had put 120% of my effort towards this change because I couldn't fail. I couldn't fail this time because I had failed too many times in the past. I am not a failure and I am competitive so I knew I had it in me. Going from 252 pounds to 160 pounds in about 2 1/2 years is a lot of hard work. There were injuries, challenges, moments of doubt, and times where I just wanted to throw in the towel. But I knew that in my heart of hearts that I couldn't give up this time.
Now I am trying to get back to my roots, get back to who I was when life was simple. Fulfill dreams that I never thought imaginable. Goals that I would have never had on my bucket list. I want to document and share my journey, share my struggles and thoughts, and hope that I can help someone else out there who was just like me. Helping others has always been a passion of mine but I couldn't do it if I couldn't help myself. I've always wanted to be someone that made such an impact on someones life that they could rely on me to be there.
I have found myself again and I refuse to lose what I have found because I love me! I can enjoy every aspect of my life and know that I am okay. I did this and I am me again!
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!!
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