The Last 12-13 Weeks......Physically & Mentally

In February I made a decision to commit to competing in my very first NPC competition. I had talked to those who have done competitions previously or getting ready to do their first and realized that this commitment would be something absolutely amazing. To the judges I might just be another person on that stage, but for me and those that know me, I am not just another person on that stage. I am someone who has fought to save her health and her life and just keeps pushing through to prove that she can do anything she puts her mind to.

I have been on this journey of a physical and mental transformation for 3 1/2 years and the true journey to me blossoming into the woman I was born to be. I hadn't found that person yet as much as I thought I had.

August 1st, I started a prep trial so that I could see what it takes to get ready for a competition and how my body would react and change with the process. What I didn't know when I started this prep is that not only would I get to witness even more physical changes in my body but that I would start to own my body and own myself in the process.

Physically, as you can tell by the following photos, my body changed. The scale didn't change but my body continued to change day in and day out. (Ignore the funny faces or awkward posing. Not being told the photo was being snapped caused goofy faces and posing is new to me and still working on.)

 

I was lucky enough to have a fellow competitor offer me one of her suits to try out for the competition. I had heard good and bad things about how it might feel to actually put on that suit because well they can not be the most flattering thing to wear and there also isn't much to them. With that being said, when I went to try on the suits for the first time I was nervous at first. One, I had no idea how to put them on (figure suits are a little different then bikini) but I got it. Two, how was I going to look. I was feeling amazing coming into the last few days of peak week trial and all I wanted was that to show. Let me tell you what, as soon as I put them on, I had a huge smile on my face. I couldn't believe it.

Who would have thought that the me from 2013 that hated everything about my body, would be the me today embracing and owning my body in a bikini prepping to take the stage in 5 months.

Me putting on those suits made me realize the commitment I made to myself to do this and follow through. I am not a quitter, never have been. If I was a quitter I wouldn't have made it as far as I have with my new lifestyle. It wouldn't have become a lifestyle and instead it would have been work towards a quick fix. Knowing where I started from to where I am now made it special to put them on. It wasn't like just putting on a regular swim suit to wear to the beach and being comfortable. I was putting on something that can prove absolutely anything is possible with the right mentality. That I can own every inch of my body and the abilities it has to let me push to my max. That is why I couldn't help but be smiling in the photos. Because I have overcome so much and to be where I am today is amazing! The feeling that I get wearing these suits is magical. It might not be flattering but I don't want to take the suit off.

I am definitely feeling differently not just physically with everything but seriously just being confident in who I am. No hiding. I am who I am and that is enough and that is what I'm going to share with those around me. 

Side Note:

Sometimes on journeys we don't realize how much we can help those around us without even knowing it. A couple months ago I switched gyms and I was no longer the girl from Title who had lost 97 pounds. I was a girl walking into a new gym where I was already fit and healthy. So in the eyes of the new members I was surrounding myself with, I was just the "badass" that was killing that boxing bag or lifting those weights. They don't know my story and it is my job to find a way to share it because I will never know if the person next me has had a similar journey, just starting theirs, or needs a little extra push.

I am so lucky to have a very beautiful friend/trainer who has believed in me since that first day of boxing 3 years ago. She was put into my life for a reason and she has seen my potential since day 1 without pressuring me into it. She just lent me the guidance I needed to succeed and to be where I am today. She had seen the change in me over the past month that I was feeling. When I thought I was truly confident in myself a few months ago to do a photo shoot, my sparkle was only at half of its potential. This last month, I have found more of that sparkle. I have found more of who I am and spreading that sparkle to everyone around me. 

Reflection and Thoughts

Over the past few months I have had my emotions running from one extreme to another. My life is crazy busy all of the time but truthfully that is how I enjoy it. I feel more accomplished under the pressure of doing 10 million things at once and having a to do list a mile long. I do let the list get to me and then I feel like my emotions are going to explode at any minute, but honestly I'm not sure how much I would want to change that. I have always been the person who seems like she is running around with her head cut off and ready to lose her mind. The past few months though I have been dealing with a lot thoughts in my personal relationships that are me trying to figure out some final pieces to a puzzle that I have been putting back together over the past few years. The puzzle is huge and has taken a lot of time to figure out where the pieces belong. This puzzle is far from complete and I have had some time to think and reflect. So please bare with me as I ramble off my thoughts without going into details of certain puzzle pieces.

Most people feel that I stretch myself to thin and have gone crazy most of the time. And some feel that I have gone to far with fitness and that I spend too much time at the gym and focusing on my nutrition. That I need to chill out and just enjoy life. What they don't see is this is now how I enjoy my life and I do have fun and let loose. I can be crazy and count my macros and log my food consistently on My Fitness Pal for over a year now, but I can still let loose and go out and have a few drinks with friends or enjoy some pizza with my kids. There are always times for junk food and time for the food that I need to keep my body running. My body is strong but can be so much stronger if I just listen to them and give them what they need.

I don't hate getting up at the crack of black crazy hours to get my day started with time at the gym. Going to the gym and boxing or lifting weights get my mood set for the day and I'm ready to take on the day. My days can be long and can be crazy but it doesn't bother me.

I am a mom first and foremost to two amazing boys. They can drive me absolutely crazy sometimes but they fill my heart with joy and happiness. But I am a mom and that word "MOM" means so many things.

My only hope is that they see me as a mom who has learned to take care of herself and be a role model for her children. That they can look at me and see my dedication to them, our family, and to myself as positive. They have witnessed my journey and will hopefully remember it in days to come when they are struggling as  reminder to not give up. To not let someone tell them they are not capable of achieving their dreams with hard work. I will always be there for them no matter what as a friend, parent, and role model.

Regarding my fitness time and nutrition, it honestly helps me keep up with my crazy schedules. When I was overweight and eating fast food all of the time I never had the energy to keep up. I wanted to sit on my ass and binge watch TV and do absolutely nothing. I hated getting out of bed and always wanted to sleep. But now, oh my goodness! I can eat healthy and fuel my body to get me through the day, I can work out and be in a better mood if something has tilted the universe, and I can have the energy I need to be running from point A to point B 24/7. The gym is my escape when I need time for me. The gym is how I keep my sanity. Honestly I am not only physically stronger by what I have and can achieve but I am mentally stronger to.

Honestly, I never thought in a million years I would be where I am today. I am not just talking about becoming the person who has the twinkle in her eyes, pep in her step, and a smile that no longer wants to hide. I never would have imagined myself loving fitness and loving to learn about fitness and proper nutrition. There is such a science behind all of it that is intriguing, fascinating, and amazing. So fitness isn't just about where my body is physically but just how fitness makes me feel. I can have people look at me and believe they are capable of achieving what goals they could have. I get asked questions that I would have never tried to answer before. I still to do this day might not have the right answer but I am excited to share what I have learned. Sharing the experience and knowledge is the best part.

I'm still pursuing goals that I want to pursue and that have me excited. But now I can show others that any goal, small or huge, can be done. You can enjoy getting sweaty and lifting weights and still have fun. It is a lot of work yes but surrounded by an environment and support system that keeps you motivated will only help. I was scared to lift weights, partially because I had no freaking clue what I was doing and still don't sometimes without asking Google, but that is what makes it fun. The unknown, the pushing my limits on a daily basis until it cries for mercy.

My journey in fitness has opened doors and dreams that I never thought imaginable. I have so many people in my life now that inspire me to keep going and I can in turn inspire someone else because I refuse to give up. Our struggles are real and our struggles are as individual as they can be.

I don't want to just be that person that has changed her life by losing weight. I want to be the person who has pushed through every obstacle she has been thrown into and still comes out on the other end smiling. I want to be that person who helps change the world one person at a time. As a child, I decided early that I wanted to be a teacher because I had so many teachers that helped me so much along the way growing up. But those teachers knew how to make a difference in the lives of those around them. I wanted to be that person to children because I didn't want them to live a life of fear and the unknown. Did I end up being a teacher, no. However though, I feel like my experiences since May 1, 2013 can help me teach others.

So I can still fulfill my dreams of teaching and inspiring people. I can still be that shoulder to lean on when you need one or I can be that person who tells you to get your ass to the gym because you can walk through that door and just get it done. Or I can be that person who tells you to not sit in front of the TV watching The Biggest Loser with the huge bowl of ice cream wishing you were on that show to make your dreams come true (trust me I was that exact person and it does you absolutely no good). You don't need a TV show to get you where you want to be. You just need you, your mind, you body, and your heart to be ready to walk through the pain and accomplish it day by day. The hardest part is walking through that door and saying "I can do this".

At the end of the day, all I want to do is help people. Someway somehow I want to help you. That is what my heart wants. That is what makes my heart happy. Helping others with whatever it could be. The ray of sunshine to make you smile. The person to drink wine with and laugh. Or just the person who can tell you to walk through that door because once you walk through the door you can't turn around so you might as well get it done. I hope if you are one of my friends who is struggling you will reach out to me and let me give you a helping hand.

You will always know where to find me.

A Look into my Weekly Meal Prepping

I get a lot of questions about what I eat, prepping, etc. so I am going to try and explain it here for you all in hopes to give you ideas, suggestions, or whatever it is you need to help you out on your journey.

So due to the size of my oven, meal prepping for me generally takes a couple hours because my oven is small and can literally only fit one tray at a time into it. So unless I combine things into one dish or do the slow cooker I do spend a good amount of time cooking. I'm not saying this is how it will be for you by all means.

Right now I'm following a 12 week program trial run for competition prep so my meals are fairly boring. I try to keep things simple and easy for the sake of logging the food into My Fitness Pal and tracking.  When I'm not so one track I do enjoy trying new recipes.

With my current program, I am doing carbohydrate cycling so I have 3 low carb days and 1 high carb day. I base my prepping on that. For those of you who do macros, here what my days usually look like.

Low Carb Days - 5 meals every 3 hours
Carbs - 100g
Protein - 250g
Calories - 1,800 to 2,000
Sodium - under 2,500

High Carb Days - 5 meals every 3 hours
Carbs - 250g
Protein - 150g
Calories - 1,800 to 2,000
Sodium - under 2,500
Fat - as little as possible

I generally prepare/have a lot of the following foods.

Carbs - sweet potatoes, golden potatoes, Grape Nuts cereal, oats, berries, veggies (broccoli, green beans, celery, cucumber, etc.), Cream of Wheat, rice cakes
Protein - chicken, turkey burger (extra lean 99%), fish (tilapia, tuna, etc.), protein powder, eggs, egg whites, greek yogurt
Fats - avocado, peanut butter, almonds

I add some iodized salt, pepper, and other seasonings to my food when I cook it. I just use what flavors sound good to me at that moment so it changes all of the time. Now, with this current program I do weigh or measure out everything I'm eating so that I know exactly what I am consuming. Prior to do this I didn't do this and I just eye balled it. However with trying to be as exact as possible, it really opens up my visual effects that I wasn't eating what I thought I was. So it might sound crazy and over the top but it really helps.

Silk Cashewmilk, Kirkland Greek Yogurt,
Kirkland Egg Whites, Four Bean Salad (Costco)

Tilapia before cooked

Grape Nuts and Cream of
Wheat

 Note: I didn't really think the process of blogging this out very well so please bear with me for what photos I do have. :)

Blueberries, Raspberries,
Strawberries, and Chicken

Venison Back Strap and
Round Steaks, Tilapia

Broccoli, Turkey Burger,
and Sweet Potatoes

Kale Salad (Costco), Celery,
and Cucumbers              

I have measured everything out here and put into ziploc baggies for ease. I will write on the baggies if I need to in order to remember how much is in there (usually on the meats if they don't come out weighing what I need).





I am not sure how well this helps anyone, but hopefully it gives some sort of guideline. I will work on making a post in the next day or so with photos of my meals. Please keep in mind though I usually eat almost the same things each day because it is working for me and less thinking of what to grab on a daily basis if I already have it prefigured.

Let me know if you would like to see more detail, photos, recipes, etc. and I am happy to share.

Truth Post - Mind Over Scale

So I have done a lot of thinking lately and I have to make a truth and finally realizing post.

Over the course of my journey, I relied on the scale to measure my success. I did use the shrinking sizes in my clothes, but I used the scale as a reasoning for everything. When I first started I didn't own a scale and I went months without weighing myself because I didn't want to know. I knew my starting point from my most recent physical with my doctor and that was all I needed to know. However, I purchased a scale about 6 months in to take part in a challenge with some friends and it all went down hill from there.

I became obsessed with the scale. I would weigh myself almost every other day to see what the number would say. When the numbers were up I was pissed off for what could have caused that. When the numbers were down I was ecstatic because I felt good and what I was doing was working. It was a never ending battle with the numbers on the scale and letting the scale rule my journey.

Some days I felt like I needed those numbers in order for me to make sure I was on track to the goals I had set for myself. I would tell people that the journey isn't about what the scale says but I didn't believe that so how could I tell others that. I would tell people to hide their scales, but there again, mine wasn't hiding and I used it more than I should. I needed the scale and I relied on it way to much.

In November 2015, I hit 160 pounds and I was thrilled with that. Still at that point, I would still weigh myself constantly. I mentally wanted to see how much lower that number could go even though it didn't need to go any lower. I was a healthy person and I didn't need that scale to move anymore. Yes, at one point since then, I have hit 158 pounds but that didn't stick around and I have been beating myself up over it trying to figure out why I can't get back to that number. Again, using that scale as my reasoning for everything.

So here I am 3 years later and with recent re-evaluations I have finally hit the mentality that I should have hit a long time ago. I don't need the scale to track my progress. I don't need to weigh myself everyday to see change. I am finally mentally and emotionally comfortable with whatever that scale might say because it isn't a concern right now for me. With my goals currently of leaning, toning, and building muscle for a future figure competition, I have to focus on the way my body is changing and not the numbers on the scale.

My body is happy with where it is right now weight wise and so am I. The 160's is where my body is thriving with change and it is where it will stay. Having taken recent photos and doing my usual photo comparisons I can see change in my body without the scale moving a whole lot. The measurements prove it too. How do I know that I have mentally changed? Well the old me would be wondering why the numbers on the scale and on the tape measure didn't move much over the last 4 months with the amount of work I have put in on nutrition and workouts. The new mentally and emotionally happy me though was thrilled with the change on the tape measure regardless of the fact that the scale hasn't moved.

To give you an idea:

Measurements in Pounds	1/11/2016	5/27/2016	Month Loss
Weight	164.8	162.2	2.6
Measurements in Inches
Bust/Chest	36	35.5	0.5
Waist	31.5	31	0.5
Hips	41.9	40	1.9
L Thigh	22	23	-1
R Thigh	22.5	23.5	-1
L Bicep	11	12	-1
R Bicep	11.5	12.25	-0.75
			0
			-0.85
Totals
Total Inches	176.4	177.25

Mentally, seeing the inches go up on my thighs and biceps would have triggered me to rethink what the hell happened over the last 4 months to have an increase. However, I know that this increase isn't from weight gain or from fat. This increase is from me building muscle. The decrease in other areas is also from the work I have put in over 4 months. My body is reacting to all of the nutrition that I am fueling it with and the busting butt in boxing class and weight lifting sessions. I honestly was thrilled to see this numbers because even though they are small they are a result of the work I have put in consistently with determination. 

These photos can show that the scale doesn't matter. In both of the older photos I was weighing about 160 pounds and in the photos taken yesterday, I was also weighing about 160 pounds. But look at the definition, the way my skin has tightened, and the way my body is taking shape. This is how I have come to realize that I don't need to scale to move because my body has changed so much over the past few months. I am sticking with my nutrition, I am consistently working out, and I am still changing.

I can't say that I no longer weigh myself because that would be a lie. I do occasional checks but not everyday like I was previously. Now it is about every other week just for a little check in. Right now, my focus has to be on just sticking to my current routine and continuing to see change. The scale will not rule my progress any longer. 

Body Image. Self Love.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you compare yourself to those in magazines or even to your closest friends? Do you feel you are not worthy? 

Before I started my journey I hated looking in the mirror. I didn't like the reflection that I was staring back at me. I hated the stretch marks. I hated to fat on my body. I hated my face. I hated everything. I always compared myself to my friends and wondered how they could be friends with a person like me. I hated being fat but yet I didn't do anything about it. 

How can one go on with life though by avoiding the mirror as much as possible? How do you not compare yourself and feel like a fake with those around you?

As time passed I learned to love that reflection that I hated so much. It wasn't just because there was a fat person staring back at me before, but I soon came to realize it was because I didn't love myself for who I was. I didn't want to look at that person because I didn't know who she was anymore. However, once I began to love myself and embrace the person I was, looking at the reflection wasn't a challenge any longer. I was finally okay with looking in the mirror and smiling at the reflection staring back at me.

As part of my prepping for an upcoming competition, I have to self evaluate myself and to do this it requires a mirror to do so. I need to be able to look hard at the person standing there and be true to myself and what I see. Answering questions like "Am I overweight?", "What are my strong points/body parts?", "What are my weak point/body parts?" and "How is my attitude and confidence level?". I have only written the answers to these questions down once, but I have strategically placed the full length mirror that I purchased in my room right where I get dressed on a daily basis. This way I have to force myself to look and evaluate where my body is at on that given moment. What my body looks like after losing 94 pounds and how I feel about it. I know these questions by heart, so I ask them to myself in my head and answer them. I see the weak parts that need work and are that are making progress and I see the strong parts that make me smile because they show the hard work I have already put in. 

I have come to "embrace" and not "accept" how my body looks. I have stretch marks because I nurtured and grew two amazing boys in my stomach for 9 months but I also have stretch marks due to weight gain. I also have an extra pooch in my stomach area for this same reason. Will I ever have an amazing 6 pack, probably not, but it doesn't matter to me. I embrace my thick legs because my legs allow me to run like the wind. I embrace my hips even though they are wide and crooked, but they are mine and helped me birth 2 boys.

So back to the point, what is self love? How do we learn to love ourselves and not compare ourselves to others? How can we improve our body image?

We have to realize what is important and what isn't. We learn to care less about what others are thinking about us and more about what we think of ourselves. We realize how far we have come from that first step, whatever it might be. Then we can smile because we are truly proud of ourselves and the person that we've fought to become. We realize that WE ARE ENOUGH!!

Some ways to improve body image:

1. Don't focus on what other peoples bodies look like
2. Do focus on what you EMBRACE about your appearance
3. Each day, say ONE thing that you like about yourself
4. Focus on accomplishments that have to do with who you are a person, not what you look like
5. Understand that things we see in print or on TV have been altered to perfection, everything is NOT as it seems
6. You don't need validation from anyone else to feel good about YOU
7. No one is perfect, so EMBRACE the fact that you have flaws and LOVE the things that make you UNIQUE
8. Surround yourself with people who support you and make you feel GOOD about yourself
9. Do what makes you HAPPY
10. LOVE YOURSELF the way you are right now, not what or who you could be

We should be thankful for what our bodies are able to accomplish every day. We need to embrace 100% of our inner and outer beauty. No one else can have the same beauty as you, so embrace it. Take it with the smile every morning when you wake up alive for another day. 

I've heard far too many women belittle themselves, not give themselves enough credit, complain about their flaws, wish for things without the mental mindset to achieve them. I feel like as women we need to rally together and remind each other that WE ARE ENOUGH. You are beautiful, you are a good mother, you are intelligent, you are successful, you are amazing, you are you, and that is ENOUGH. I'm not telling you to stop dreaming or to stop reaching for more, as we should always be doing that, I'm just saying let's change our mindset, and remind ourselves of the good, the beautiful, the amazing women we are, and soon enough, a positive mind will breed a POSITIVE LIFE!

Conquering Mountains Not Shrinking to a Grain of Sand

May 1, 2013.....a day that is forever engraved in my life. The day that I saved me!

This photo is one of the very few photos I have of myself prior to this very important day. This photo is 1 month prior to me deciding it was time to save myself. I never understood what saving your own self really meant. I always thought of people who were addicts being the only ones that needed to save themselves if they wanted to continue to live. I never realized that just needing to find oneself meant that I was also saving me. As I sit here and think of what to write and look at this photo all I remember is how uncomfortable I was at my friend's wedding, but I also look at these boys who love their mommy and needed their mommy to be happy. My boys didn't know what I thought about myself because they wouldn't understand it. They didn't know that I hated looking at myself in the mirror or refused to take photos 90% of the time because I didn't want to see the end result. To them they just saw their mommy. 

Yes I was their mommy and always will be, but how could I be a mom who would always be there for them if I couldn't take care of myself. Not just in the sense of needing to be healthy but just to be happy. I didn't believe I could accomplish anything and that I was going to be a failure to the 2 absolute most important people in my life.  

I spent a good 6ish years hiding from the world as the weight kept piling on. Being uncomfortable with what the world was witnessing. I lacked confidence. I lacked the love for myself and my body. I lacked the mentality to believe that I mattered to people. My smiles were fake and my smiles were uncomfortable. Worrying about what others thought about me and my appearance was more than what I thought about myself. You could have told me I was beautiful but I didn't believe it. How could a person like me feel beautiful? How could I be beautiful? If I didn't believe I was beautiful then how could anyone else see it. 

Today I am here, 3 years later, and I wouldn't change a single moment of this journey. This morning the sun was shining and I knew I needed to get out and just reflect. I went to the M trail and went up the mountain. I have gone up this mountain enough times to know now that I could do it, but today I needed to prove to myself that I not only am I strong but also I just needed place where I could truly reflect on me and be alone. Running two switchbacks and walking one switchback to catch my breathe. Refusing to stop at the M and keep going up that mountain to really think. Remembering when the M was a struggle for me. I took in the beauty around me and recited a quote to myself over and over again. "I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply all my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy." ~ OG MANDINO I didn't know this quote until a very important person shared it with us on a regular basis at Title and I immediately loved it. I know that I strain my potential everyday because I refuse to give up on the person I have become. I have part of this quote tattooed on my foot so I can look down and remind myself why am I doing this. Why do I push myself every day to my max? I have conquered mountains every day since that terrifying day that I stepped foot in a gym and made a commitment to myself to do it. I wasn't going to let the fears of the world watching me allow me to shrink to a grain of sand that wasn't important.

On the way down the M today, "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten came on and this song as truly become my theme song. When I hear it I just want to sing it at the top of my lungs because I have fought. When I got to my car I played the song on repeat while on my way to Title for my routine 12 round class. The song played and I turned it way up and I sang. I used every ounce of energy I could to keep the tears back while I sang the lyrics. Not because I was sad but because I was happy. Because I have saved me.

I probably sound like a broken record but this journey isn't always about those numbers on the scale (yes I have to remind myself this on a regular basis). This journey isn't just a diet so that I can wear smaller clothes. This journey isn't just to prove to myself that I can do it. This journey is just as much of a physical one as it is a mental and emotional one. I have completely changed my lifestyle while saving my life. I cherish every minute of my life now and I don't ever want to take it for granted. I have been able to get back to my roots of reading inspirational things and truly believing in them regardless of what they are about. I am going back to things I use to love to do one by one. I can smile knowing that I am comfortable with me and that I don't care what others think as much. The people I meet now don't know who I was then. They didn't know the unhappy me or the obese me. 

The woman you see now is confident. I am in love with ME. The woman that gets introduced to someone new doesn't want to just hide and shy away. They don't need to know my story but if it comes up I will share. I am not ashamed of my story and I want it to be public if it will help another person save themselves. I wouldn't change a single moment of the last 3 years. If you catch me not smiling now it isn't because I don't like what I am today, it just means something else is going on. I can allow the sparkle in my eyes and my smile to reflect my confidence. 

I didn't realize something until just recently either, I wanted to have a career in something that would allow me to have an impact on people's lives. I had so many important people in my life growing up that made such an impact on me that I wanted to be that somebody for someone. However my career in accounting isn't exactly that, but I was recently reminded that I am still having an impact on people, just in a different way. I am able to show people that anything is possible if you have the right reason for it. That all people can be loved and all people deserve the absolutely best our of their lives. That their lives are worth saving and the fight is hard but so worth it in the end. The fight doesn't have to be about weight or about beauty, the fight is your fight and one that is worth fighting for. The person I was in the past wouldn't have believed inspiring people was something I was capable of, but now I know that anything can be used for inspiration. Just showing someone that taking that first scary step towards a goal that might seem unachievable is well worth it. Not giving up after putting in work and not getting the results you want. 

So on this day, May 1, I will always remember that I conquered my fears to become who I am meant to be. Who people believed I was but I couldn't believe it. I did the work and I screamed for mercy when I refused to fail. My life is forever changed.

Goals....Why Do We Have Them?

We all have our reasons for setting goals when we are on a journey of fitness. We all start at different points in our journeys so no one goal is ever the same. You could be starting from a point of being obese or a point of just wanting to gain muscle. Everyone has different starting points and that is what makes it your journey and no one else's.

My journey started with being overweight and the only goal I made with myself on day 1 was to lose weight. I didn't look further into the future at what my life would be like once the weight was gone. My only focus was to make sure I went from the unhappy mom and wife weighing 252 pounds to being someone who was happy again with herself and weighing 180 pounds. But what I didn't realize is that goals change and the reason for those goals change. There is always something to look forward to and something to work for. I also didn't realize how much I would change as a person. A person who doesn't just want to hide out at home and not show herself to the world.

I was asked many times what my goals were and it was always just about the present and what the scale said. I revolved my goals around that and only that. But I also didn't know what other goals were or what they would look like. I didn't know what toning or leaning could do for my body. I was flying blind when I started my journey and I had a lot to learn. However, my goals changed all of the time as I continued to make progress and extending my knowledge. My goals did still have something to do with the scale but I always added something to it, whether it was inches lost, or body fat percentage. I learned that I could push my body (yes sometimes I pushed to hard when I shouldn't have) to the extreme and results were achievable. I also learned that my body is an amazing thing and I had to learn to love my body and everything it does for me on a daily basis.

What's my point behind this post?? My point is my goal now and why we have goals. I have surpassed all the goals that I had set for myself previously but I still wanted more. I was maintaining my weight, I was consistently showing up for my workouts, and I was doing what I could for my nutrition. However, I am competitive with myself and through this journey I want to push to do things I never thought imaginable. What can I be doing now that I never thought I would do?? Well, after a couple discussions with the tribe that I surround myself with and a little research competing in a fitness competition came up. I talked with those around me who have seen me go through this journey and whether or not it was something I should do. I received a lot of "HELL YES" and it honestly made me feel amazing to have a support system around me that  believed I could do it and that would watch me do it. My family supported me, my friends supported me, and most importantly I supported me.

What is really funny about this though, is that back in 2013 when I first had a sit down with Rachel (my amazing trainer and friend, really she is family to me) and we discussed my goals all I knew was weight loss. I remember telling her that I didn't want to be a competitor. I didn't want to get on stage. I was still the shy uncomfortable person who wanted to hide most of the time. Why would I want to be on stage when I didn't believe in myself? Again, I never looked to the future.

However, February 2016 I decided to go for it. After more conversations and watching YouTube videos, I told Rachel that I was ready to grab the bull by the horns and go. We both decided there was no need to rush into it because my body would react to everything better by going slow, planning, and being healthy. No extremes, no drugs, just me putting in the hard work every day and listening to my body. The plan is to hopefully compete this October 2016 assuming I don't have any set backs and everything falls into place like it should.What do I want to compete in? I want to go for figure. I have fallen in love with the muscle definition my body has started to show and I want to show that on stage. I want to have more of it.

Today, I went to my first fitness competition, NPC Big Sky Championship. If I am going to be in one in the future I had better get to one and really witness what it is all about. I was so impressed with the ladies who came out and strutted their stuff on stage. We don't know their stories and where they came from or why they are doing this. Every lady on that stage is different. Every one has a different level of confidence. One body on the stage could have flabby stomach skin from weight loss or having kids, one body could not have good glutes, one could be too thin, or that one person up there who has started a journey and decided to get up on stage as a first time competitor. These ladies were being judged for every aspect of their body and we all know that secretively we all wish we could put random parts of each body into one. We want her legs and someone else's shoulders but we can't take body parts from each person and create the perfect body. All we can do is love the body we have.

After just watching the prejudging event today that is truly what I felt. My body is my body and I have come to love and appreciate every aspect of it. My body is capable of so many amazing things. I know that my body won't look like the girls next to me and that is okay. I know the journey that I have been on to get to that point and what it took for me to achieve where I will be that day. The day I get on that stage I will own it because I know what it took for me to get there. I will get up there ready to shine and rock it. I will show my beauty and my confidence and know that I did that. I put in the work 100% to get to that point. The person standing next to me on stage didn't do the work for me. My friends or family didn't do the work for me either, they guided me and supported me. I DID THE WORK.

I've already transformed who I am by not hiding it anymore so I hope the world is ready to witness me not hide it anymore when it is time for me to get on that stage. Hiding is not an option for me anymore. Watch my body transform as I continue to put in the work everyday. Are you ready to go on this journey with me???

Something A Little Different

The purpose of this blog from the beginning was to document where I was and who I am becoming on my journey to a new lifestyle. It is also to discuss some goals that I am currently working towards that I have yet to talk about on here. But I have had some personal things come up recently that I would like to briefly talk about because I feel like it relates to the change I have gone through over the last 3 years.

I am a mom to 2 wonderful and crazy boys. These boys drive my crazy on a daily basis but they are also part of my why. Landon and Reiley are part of my fight because I need to be the best me that I can be so that I can be the mom that they deserve. They deserve a mom who will always be there for them, who cares for them, who loves them, and who would do anything for them.

Landon has had struggles along his growing up and these are struggles that I wish he didn't have. We started right out of the gate with acid reflux, eczema, and constant ear infections. Before we knew he he was having tubes in and a couple years later speech therapy because he was slightly behind the curve for 3 years old. This time, 5 years ago, we were experiencing behavioral issues with him while he was at HeadStart PreSchool. Some of these behaviors were hard to tell if it was just because he was a boy or if he really had struggles. Next became the enormous amounts of evaluations and testing done by our local schools to see what we could figure out. After weeks of this and countless meetings, the school felt he was ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder)/ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder). He was almost 5 and as a parent the last thing you want to hear is that your child has something fighting against him.

Just before he started kindergarten we had gone to a specialist to get a diagnosis, but he didn't believe Landon fit the criteria. He told me that Landon was a 5 year old boy who was possibly borderline ADHD but not ODD. Landon would either grow out of the behavior or he would get worse. To me that was the worst thing I could hear. Basically I have to sit and wait to see how it would play out. As time gone by we had ups and downs with behavioral issues at school, but he also couldn't make friends, and was just struggling.

As time has gone by he has also had to have 4 sets of tubes in for ear infections, after numerous tests diagnosed with asthma, and still has eczema issues. It has been nothing but a whirlwind of doctors and testing to see where we were with everything.

When Landon was ending 2nd grade we had the opportunity to transfer schools. We made the mutual decision to do this because we thought it would be a great fresh start for him. Meet kids that didn't know his past and didn't know of the struggles he has had. Hopes of him making friends and getting more involved. The school transfer also brought to light how much he was still struggling with behaviors and attention. So back to the drawing board and evaluations and different specialist. Only this time we were able to finally get a diagnosis of ADHD. This was a relief as it confirmed all of the testing we had done in the past and now we could hopefully find the way to help him. Therapy sessions, medications, and techniques in class all seemed to finally be helping. Only thing he was still lacking was friends.

Unfortunately, as of today, Landon still struggles. We have also added ODD back to the drawing board of diagnosis as he fits almost all of the characteristics of that also. When the school comes up on the Caller ID my gut sinks a little as the first thing that comes to my mind is "What now?"

So to the point of this, I have struggles with Landon on almost a daily basis. It is hard as a mom to battle with your child and to not know the best way to help him. This last week has been a true testament to that. A therapy session that showed me the other side that I never experience but that his teachers and school staff have dealt with on countless occasions. To watch a 9 year old go from calm to completely pissed off in a matter of 5 minutes and throwing items across the room was mind blowing. I know kids throw tantrums but this isn't a tantrum, this is full blown anger and it was over the simplest thing. Then the next day, I received a call from the school that something extremely serious was said by Landon during his group session and it is raising "red" flags (I would go into detail if I could).

Needless to say that after those two days of crazy emotions I was at my breaking point. I felt like a failure as a mom to Landon. How can I help him? I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like everything we have done in the past isn't working and we are back at square one. I was at an emotional breaking point and literally cried for 4 hours because I just couldn't do it anymore. The worst feeling in the world is feeling helpless when it comes to our children.

During my emotional breakdown though I realized how emotional of an eater I am. All I could think was finding every ounce of bad food in my house and eating it. I wanted to give up and just binge eat. I never really thought of myself as an emotional eater though. However, it took a lot of effort to not do it.

I was reminded though by my dearest of friends in my life of what they see. Those around me see how wonderful of a mom I am to Landon and Reiley. I work hard daily to make the right choices when it comes to them and putting them first. I can make mistakes and it isn't the end of my parenting. I care and they are the most important things in my life. I have changed because I didn't reach for that security blanket in food. I am a strong and beautiful mom who is being tested to her full potential right now but because I am a fighter and will fight for Landon and Reiley everyday I can handle this. It will be tough but I can do it.

My days are long and my days are busy, but they are equally divided between me time, work, boys, and family time. I do not feel like I have deprived any aspect of that and I will continue to fight.

What has this journey meant to me?

So in my first couple posts I wanted to share my story with you, and in all reality I did. But that was really just sharing the weight loss story. That story though wasn't sharing everything that I have learned about myself and who I am still learning to become.

The last couple of years I have grown into a person who I can believe in again. The journey I started the day that I walked into a gym was a journey to change who I was and truly be happy with me again. When I look back at the photos of the person trying on clothes or being forced to be in a photo, all I can see is someone who was unhappy. Someone who didn't believe in herself. Someone who hated life. Someone who didn't know who she was anymore. To be told I was beautiful was something I didn't take to heart. I always saw it as people just trying to be nice and not truly meaning what they meant. It didn't matter if it was coming from my family, friends, or even my husband. It didn't matter because I didn't believe it. I was someone who was there physically but mentally was at a complete loss. The someone who wouldn't let a true smile (you know the one) unless I faked it. I had to make a change, and the only way that change was going to happen was by going big. Walking through those doors to a gym and deciding that my life was important and that I needed to save the soul of the person who wasn't me. That day I had to not be afraid of what challenges would lie ahead of me. The changes that I would not only experience physically but also mentally and emotionally. It wasn't going to be easy but it had to happen and I had to find my "WHY". I had found the desire that I needed to love myself again, to be happy, and to let the real me shine through. 

I knew in my heart that the old me was still there. It was just buried deep inside and trying to dig herself out through all the sadness. I was always a shy person but once people got to know me I could really let them in. But as I buried myself in weight, I wasn't comfortable letting people in. It was hard to not want to continue being the shy uncomfortable person that nobody would want to talk to. Being uncomfortable in my own skin though prevented me from things that I wish wasn't the case. When you are uncomfortable the only thing I ever thought was "What do people really think of me that they don't want to say to my face?". I would care more about what others thought then what I thought about myself. 

I wasn't doing this for my husband. I wasn't doing this for my family or my friends. The people I loved also couldn't do it for me. I had to put in the hard work myself. Today, I am still Krystal, but I can actually believe in who I am. I can let people in and get to know them and let them get to know the real me. I don't have to hide in the corner anymore with my head hanging low because I am embarrassed of how I look. I don't feel like I have to worry as much about what people think.  

Did the scale change? Well of course it did. I had put 120% of my effort towards this change because I couldn't fail. I couldn't fail this time because I had failed too many times in the past. I am not a failure and I am competitive so I knew I had it in me. Going from 252 pounds to 160 pounds in about 2 1/2 years is a lot of hard work. There were injuries, challenges, moments of doubt, and times where I just wanted to throw in the towel. But I knew that in my heart of hearts that I couldn't give up this time. 

Now I am trying to get back to my roots, get back to who I was when life was simple. Fulfill dreams that I never thought imaginable. Goals that I would have never had on my bucket list. I want to document and share my journey, share my struggles and thoughts, and hope that I can help someone else out there who was just like me. Helping others has always been a passion of mine but I couldn't do it if I couldn't help myself. I've always wanted to be someone that made such an impact on someones life that they could rely on me to be there. 

I have found myself again and I refuse to lose what I have found because I love me! I can enjoy every aspect of my life and know that I am okay. I did this and I am me again!

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!!