Here I go....14 Weeks Out! (Post from 1/6/17)

This post is actually from my journal from 1/6/17 but I have been so busy that I haven't had time to get it out to everyone else yet. So here it goes.....

The time has come to get real. Time to get serious. The commitment I made to last February is here and it is go time. These last few months have been a ride. Life in general is good, not perfect, but good. I'm still trying to figure out how to live for me and to be okay with that. I'm loving me but I have to figure out the rest.

I made a commitment to myself and it is time to follow through. I completed my trial run of prep for a competition in November and I felt amazing through it all. Tweaking as we went and figuring it all out. Watching my body change over the weeks and really being able to see what I am capable of. 

I have talked the talk the last few months and now it is time to prove to myself that I got this. I don't need to prove it to anyone else. I know people will be there to cheer me on and support me but those people aren't who I'm doing this for. Do I need their support?? Absolutely!!!! But I am doing this for me. I am doing this competition because I have gone through such a transformation that I want to prove to myself that anything is possible after all of what I have accomplished. I committed to doing this for me. I have gone through the transformation of a shy overweight mom/wife to a mom full of sparkle and muscles. 

I'm ready to put in the work that is needed. I am 14 weeks out from being on a stage in a bikini!!!! Like seriously, is this really happening??

It didn't really set in until I received my training and nutrition schedule from Rachel. That made everything real. Time to see what I am made of. Can I manage the schedule of being in the gym, work, nutrition, and still being a mom/wife at home. Time management will have to be my friend. 

No excuses!!!! No Pain No Gain!!!

These are my starting photos from 12/31/16. Photos to be taken weekly!

The Last 12-13 Weeks......Physically & Mentally

In February I made a decision to commit to competing in my very first NPC competition. I had talked to those who have done competitions previously or getting ready to do their first and realized that this commitment would be something absolutely amazing. To the judges I might just be another person on that stage, but for me and those that know me, I am not just another person on that stage. I am someone who has fought to save her health and her life and just keeps pushing through to prove that she can do anything she puts her mind to.

I have been on this journey of a physical and mental transformation for 3 1/2 years and the true journey to me blossoming into the woman I was born to be. I hadn't found that person yet as much as I thought I had.

August 1st, I started a prep trial so that I could see what it takes to get ready for a competition and how my body would react and change with the process. What I didn't know when I started this prep is that not only would I get to witness even more physical changes in my body but that I would start to own my body and own myself in the process.

Physically, as you can tell by the following photos, my body changed. The scale didn't change but my body continued to change day in and day out. (Ignore the funny faces or awkward posing. Not being told the photo was being snapped caused goofy faces and posing is new to me and still working on.)

 

I was lucky enough to have a fellow competitor offer me one of her suits to try out for the competition. I had heard good and bad things about how it might feel to actually put on that suit because well they can not be the most flattering thing to wear and there also isn't much to them. With that being said, when I went to try on the suits for the first time I was nervous at first. One, I had no idea how to put them on (figure suits are a little different then bikini) but I got it. Two, how was I going to look. I was feeling amazing coming into the last few days of peak week trial and all I wanted was that to show. Let me tell you what, as soon as I put them on, I had a huge smile on my face. I couldn't believe it.

Who would have thought that the me from 2013 that hated everything about my body, would be the me today embracing and owning my body in a bikini prepping to take the stage in 5 months.

Me putting on those suits made me realize the commitment I made to myself to do this and follow through. I am not a quitter, never have been. If I was a quitter I wouldn't have made it as far as I have with my new lifestyle. It wouldn't have become a lifestyle and instead it would have been work towards a quick fix. Knowing where I started from to where I am now made it special to put them on. It wasn't like just putting on a regular swim suit to wear to the beach and being comfortable. I was putting on something that can prove absolutely anything is possible with the right mentality. That I can own every inch of my body and the abilities it has to let me push to my max. That is why I couldn't help but be smiling in the photos. Because I have overcome so much and to be where I am today is amazing! The feeling that I get wearing these suits is magical. It might not be flattering but I don't want to take the suit off.

I am definitely feeling differently not just physically with everything but seriously just being confident in who I am. No hiding. I am who I am and that is enough and that is what I'm going to share with those around me. 

Side Note:

Sometimes on journeys we don't realize how much we can help those around us without even knowing it. A couple months ago I switched gyms and I was no longer the girl from Title who had lost 97 pounds. I was a girl walking into a new gym where I was already fit and healthy. So in the eyes of the new members I was surrounding myself with, I was just the "badass" that was killing that boxing bag or lifting those weights. They don't know my story and it is my job to find a way to share it because I will never know if the person next me has had a similar journey, just starting theirs, or needs a little extra push.

I am so lucky to have a very beautiful friend/trainer who has believed in me since that first day of boxing 3 years ago. She was put into my life for a reason and she has seen my potential since day 1 without pressuring me into it. She just lent me the guidance I needed to succeed and to be where I am today. She had seen the change in me over the past month that I was feeling. When I thought I was truly confident in myself a few months ago to do a photo shoot, my sparkle was only at half of its potential. This last month, I have found more of that sparkle. I have found more of who I am and spreading that sparkle to everyone around me. 

Reflection and Thoughts

Over the past few months I have had my emotions running from one extreme to another. My life is crazy busy all of the time but truthfully that is how I enjoy it. I feel more accomplished under the pressure of doing 10 million things at once and having a to do list a mile long. I do let the list get to me and then I feel like my emotions are going to explode at any minute, but honestly I'm not sure how much I would want to change that. I have always been the person who seems like she is running around with her head cut off and ready to lose her mind. The past few months though I have been dealing with a lot thoughts in my personal relationships that are me trying to figure out some final pieces to a puzzle that I have been putting back together over the past few years. The puzzle is huge and has taken a lot of time to figure out where the pieces belong. This puzzle is far from complete and I have had some time to think and reflect. So please bare with me as I ramble off my thoughts without going into details of certain puzzle pieces.

Most people feel that I stretch myself to thin and have gone crazy most of the time. And some feel that I have gone to far with fitness and that I spend too much time at the gym and focusing on my nutrition. That I need to chill out and just enjoy life. What they don't see is this is now how I enjoy my life and I do have fun and let loose. I can be crazy and count my macros and log my food consistently on My Fitness Pal for over a year now, but I can still let loose and go out and have a few drinks with friends or enjoy some pizza with my kids. There are always times for junk food and time for the food that I need to keep my body running. My body is strong but can be so much stronger if I just listen to them and give them what they need.

I don't hate getting up at the crack of black crazy hours to get my day started with time at the gym. Going to the gym and boxing or lifting weights get my mood set for the day and I'm ready to take on the day. My days can be long and can be crazy but it doesn't bother me.

I am a mom first and foremost to two amazing boys. They can drive me absolutely crazy sometimes but they fill my heart with joy and happiness. But I am a mom and that word "MOM" means so many things.

My only hope is that they see me as a mom who has learned to take care of herself and be a role model for her children. That they can look at me and see my dedication to them, our family, and to myself as positive. They have witnessed my journey and will hopefully remember it in days to come when they are struggling as  reminder to not give up. To not let someone tell them they are not capable of achieving their dreams with hard work. I will always be there for them no matter what as a friend, parent, and role model.

Regarding my fitness time and nutrition, it honestly helps me keep up with my crazy schedules. When I was overweight and eating fast food all of the time I never had the energy to keep up. I wanted to sit on my ass and binge watch TV and do absolutely nothing. I hated getting out of bed and always wanted to sleep. But now, oh my goodness! I can eat healthy and fuel my body to get me through the day, I can work out and be in a better mood if something has tilted the universe, and I can have the energy I need to be running from point A to point B 24/7. The gym is my escape when I need time for me. The gym is how I keep my sanity. Honestly I am not only physically stronger by what I have and can achieve but I am mentally stronger to.

Honestly, I never thought in a million years I would be where I am today. I am not just talking about becoming the person who has the twinkle in her eyes, pep in her step, and a smile that no longer wants to hide. I never would have imagined myself loving fitness and loving to learn about fitness and proper nutrition. There is such a science behind all of it that is intriguing, fascinating, and amazing. So fitness isn't just about where my body is physically but just how fitness makes me feel. I can have people look at me and believe they are capable of achieving what goals they could have. I get asked questions that I would have never tried to answer before. I still to do this day might not have the right answer but I am excited to share what I have learned. Sharing the experience and knowledge is the best part.

I'm still pursuing goals that I want to pursue and that have me excited. But now I can show others that any goal, small or huge, can be done. You can enjoy getting sweaty and lifting weights and still have fun. It is a lot of work yes but surrounded by an environment and support system that keeps you motivated will only help. I was scared to lift weights, partially because I had no freaking clue what I was doing and still don't sometimes without asking Google, but that is what makes it fun. The unknown, the pushing my limits on a daily basis until it cries for mercy.

My journey in fitness has opened doors and dreams that I never thought imaginable. I have so many people in my life now that inspire me to keep going and I can in turn inspire someone else because I refuse to give up. Our struggles are real and our struggles are as individual as they can be.

I don't want to just be that person that has changed her life by losing weight. I want to be the person who has pushed through every obstacle she has been thrown into and still comes out on the other end smiling. I want to be that person who helps change the world one person at a time. As a child, I decided early that I wanted to be a teacher because I had so many teachers that helped me so much along the way growing up. But those teachers knew how to make a difference in the lives of those around them. I wanted to be that person to children because I didn't want them to live a life of fear and the unknown. Did I end up being a teacher, no. However though, I feel like my experiences since May 1, 2013 can help me teach others.

So I can still fulfill my dreams of teaching and inspiring people. I can still be that shoulder to lean on when you need one or I can be that person who tells you to get your ass to the gym because you can walk through that door and just get it done. Or I can be that person who tells you to not sit in front of the TV watching The Biggest Loser with the huge bowl of ice cream wishing you were on that show to make your dreams come true (trust me I was that exact person and it does you absolutely no good). You don't need a TV show to get you where you want to be. You just need you, your mind, you body, and your heart to be ready to walk through the pain and accomplish it day by day. The hardest part is walking through that door and saying "I can do this".

At the end of the day, all I want to do is help people. Someway somehow I want to help you. That is what my heart wants. That is what makes my heart happy. Helping others with whatever it could be. The ray of sunshine to make you smile. The person to drink wine with and laugh. Or just the person who can tell you to walk through that door because once you walk through the door you can't turn around so you might as well get it done. I hope if you are one of my friends who is struggling you will reach out to me and let me give you a helping hand.

You will always know where to find me.

A Look into my Weekly Meal Prepping

I get a lot of questions about what I eat, prepping, etc. so I am going to try and explain it here for you all in hopes to give you ideas, suggestions, or whatever it is you need to help you out on your journey.

So due to the size of my oven, meal prepping for me generally takes a couple hours because my oven is small and can literally only fit one tray at a time into it. So unless I combine things into one dish or do the slow cooker I do spend a good amount of time cooking. I'm not saying this is how it will be for you by all means.

Right now I'm following a 12 week program trial run for competition prep so my meals are fairly boring. I try to keep things simple and easy for the sake of logging the food into My Fitness Pal and tracking.  When I'm not so one track I do enjoy trying new recipes.

With my current program, I am doing carbohydrate cycling so I have 3 low carb days and 1 high carb day. I base my prepping on that. For those of you who do macros, here what my days usually look like.

Low Carb Days - 5 meals every 3 hours
Carbs - 100g
Protein - 250g
Calories - 1,800 to 2,000
Sodium - under 2,500

High Carb Days - 5 meals every 3 hours
Carbs - 250g
Protein - 150g
Calories - 1,800 to 2,000
Sodium - under 2,500
Fat - as little as possible

I generally prepare/have a lot of the following foods.

Carbs - sweet potatoes, golden potatoes, Grape Nuts cereal, oats, berries, veggies (broccoli, green beans, celery, cucumber, etc.), Cream of Wheat, rice cakes
Protein - chicken, turkey burger (extra lean 99%), fish (tilapia, tuna, etc.), protein powder, eggs, egg whites, greek yogurt
Fats - avocado, peanut butter, almonds

I add some iodized salt, pepper, and other seasonings to my food when I cook it. I just use what flavors sound good to me at that moment so it changes all of the time. Now, with this current program I do weigh or measure out everything I'm eating so that I know exactly what I am consuming. Prior to do this I didn't do this and I just eye balled it. However with trying to be as exact as possible, it really opens up my visual effects that I wasn't eating what I thought I was. So it might sound crazy and over the top but it really helps.

Silk Cashewmilk, Kirkland Greek Yogurt,
Kirkland Egg Whites, Four Bean Salad (Costco)

Tilapia before cooked

Grape Nuts and Cream of
Wheat

 Note: I didn't really think the process of blogging this out very well so please bear with me for what photos I do have. :)

Blueberries, Raspberries,
Strawberries, and Chicken

Venison Back Strap and
Round Steaks, Tilapia

Broccoli, Turkey Burger,
and Sweet Potatoes

Kale Salad (Costco), Celery,
and Cucumbers              

I have measured everything out here and put into ziploc baggies for ease. I will write on the baggies if I need to in order to remember how much is in there (usually on the meats if they don't come out weighing what I need).





I am not sure how well this helps anyone, but hopefully it gives some sort of guideline. I will work on making a post in the next day or so with photos of my meals. Please keep in mind though I usually eat almost the same things each day because it is working for me and less thinking of what to grab on a daily basis if I already have it prefigured.

Let me know if you would like to see more detail, photos, recipes, etc. and I am happy to share.

Truth Post - Mind Over Scale

So I have done a lot of thinking lately and I have to make a truth and finally realizing post.

Over the course of my journey, I relied on the scale to measure my success. I did use the shrinking sizes in my clothes, but I used the scale as a reasoning for everything. When I first started I didn't own a scale and I went months without weighing myself because I didn't want to know. I knew my starting point from my most recent physical with my doctor and that was all I needed to know. However, I purchased a scale about 6 months in to take part in a challenge with some friends and it all went down hill from there.

I became obsessed with the scale. I would weigh myself almost every other day to see what the number would say. When the numbers were up I was pissed off for what could have caused that. When the numbers were down I was ecstatic because I felt good and what I was doing was working. It was a never ending battle with the numbers on the scale and letting the scale rule my journey.

Some days I felt like I needed those numbers in order for me to make sure I was on track to the goals I had set for myself. I would tell people that the journey isn't about what the scale says but I didn't believe that so how could I tell others that. I would tell people to hide their scales, but there again, mine wasn't hiding and I used it more than I should. I needed the scale and I relied on it way to much.

In November 2015, I hit 160 pounds and I was thrilled with that. Still at that point, I would still weigh myself constantly. I mentally wanted to see how much lower that number could go even though it didn't need to go any lower. I was a healthy person and I didn't need that scale to move anymore. Yes, at one point since then, I have hit 158 pounds but that didn't stick around and I have been beating myself up over it trying to figure out why I can't get back to that number. Again, using that scale as my reasoning for everything.

So here I am 3 years later and with recent re-evaluations I have finally hit the mentality that I should have hit a long time ago. I don't need the scale to track my progress. I don't need to weigh myself everyday to see change. I am finally mentally and emotionally comfortable with whatever that scale might say because it isn't a concern right now for me. With my goals currently of leaning, toning, and building muscle for a future figure competition, I have to focus on the way my body is changing and not the numbers on the scale.

My body is happy with where it is right now weight wise and so am I. The 160's is where my body is thriving with change and it is where it will stay. Having taken recent photos and doing my usual photo comparisons I can see change in my body without the scale moving a whole lot. The measurements prove it too. How do I know that I have mentally changed? Well the old me would be wondering why the numbers on the scale and on the tape measure didn't move much over the last 4 months with the amount of work I have put in on nutrition and workouts. The new mentally and emotionally happy me though was thrilled with the change on the tape measure regardless of the fact that the scale hasn't moved.

To give you an idea:

Measurements in Pounds	1/11/2016	5/27/2016	Month Loss
Weight	164.8	162.2	2.6
Measurements in Inches
Bust/Chest	36	35.5	0.5
Waist	31.5	31	0.5
Hips	41.9	40	1.9
L Thigh	22	23	-1
R Thigh	22.5	23.5	-1
L Bicep	11	12	-1
R Bicep	11.5	12.25	-0.75
			0
			-0.85
Totals
Total Inches	176.4	177.25

Mentally, seeing the inches go up on my thighs and biceps would have triggered me to rethink what the hell happened over the last 4 months to have an increase. However, I know that this increase isn't from weight gain or from fat. This increase is from me building muscle. The decrease in other areas is also from the work I have put in over 4 months. My body is reacting to all of the nutrition that I am fueling it with and the busting butt in boxing class and weight lifting sessions. I honestly was thrilled to see this numbers because even though they are small they are a result of the work I have put in consistently with determination. 

These photos can show that the scale doesn't matter. In both of the older photos I was weighing about 160 pounds and in the photos taken yesterday, I was also weighing about 160 pounds. But look at the definition, the way my skin has tightened, and the way my body is taking shape. This is how I have come to realize that I don't need to scale to move because my body has changed so much over the past few months. I am sticking with my nutrition, I am consistently working out, and I am still changing.

I can't say that I no longer weigh myself because that would be a lie. I do occasional checks but not everyday like I was previously. Now it is about every other week just for a little check in. Right now, my focus has to be on just sticking to my current routine and continuing to see change. The scale will not rule my progress any longer. 

Body Image. Self Love.

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you compare yourself to those in magazines or even to your closest friends? Do you feel you are not worthy? 

Before I started my journey I hated looking in the mirror. I didn't like the reflection that I was staring back at me. I hated the stretch marks. I hated to fat on my body. I hated my face. I hated everything. I always compared myself to my friends and wondered how they could be friends with a person like me. I hated being fat but yet I didn't do anything about it. 

How can one go on with life though by avoiding the mirror as much as possible? How do you not compare yourself and feel like a fake with those around you?

As time passed I learned to love that reflection that I hated so much. It wasn't just because there was a fat person staring back at me before, but I soon came to realize it was because I didn't love myself for who I was. I didn't want to look at that person because I didn't know who she was anymore. However, once I began to love myself and embrace the person I was, looking at the reflection wasn't a challenge any longer. I was finally okay with looking in the mirror and smiling at the reflection staring back at me.

As part of my prepping for an upcoming competition, I have to self evaluate myself and to do this it requires a mirror to do so. I need to be able to look hard at the person standing there and be true to myself and what I see. Answering questions like "Am I overweight?", "What are my strong points/body parts?", "What are my weak point/body parts?" and "How is my attitude and confidence level?". I have only written the answers to these questions down once, but I have strategically placed the full length mirror that I purchased in my room right where I get dressed on a daily basis. This way I have to force myself to look and evaluate where my body is at on that given moment. What my body looks like after losing 94 pounds and how I feel about it. I know these questions by heart, so I ask them to myself in my head and answer them. I see the weak parts that need work and are that are making progress and I see the strong parts that make me smile because they show the hard work I have already put in. 

I have come to "embrace" and not "accept" how my body looks. I have stretch marks because I nurtured and grew two amazing boys in my stomach for 9 months but I also have stretch marks due to weight gain. I also have an extra pooch in my stomach area for this same reason. Will I ever have an amazing 6 pack, probably not, but it doesn't matter to me. I embrace my thick legs because my legs allow me to run like the wind. I embrace my hips even though they are wide and crooked, but they are mine and helped me birth 2 boys.

So back to the point, what is self love? How do we learn to love ourselves and not compare ourselves to others? How can we improve our body image?

We have to realize what is important and what isn't. We learn to care less about what others are thinking about us and more about what we think of ourselves. We realize how far we have come from that first step, whatever it might be. Then we can smile because we are truly proud of ourselves and the person that we've fought to become. We realize that WE ARE ENOUGH!!

Some ways to improve body image:

1. Don't focus on what other peoples bodies look like
2. Do focus on what you EMBRACE about your appearance
3. Each day, say ONE thing that you like about yourself
4. Focus on accomplishments that have to do with who you are a person, not what you look like
5. Understand that things we see in print or on TV have been altered to perfection, everything is NOT as it seems
6. You don't need validation from anyone else to feel good about YOU
7. No one is perfect, so EMBRACE the fact that you have flaws and LOVE the things that make you UNIQUE
8. Surround yourself with people who support you and make you feel GOOD about yourself
9. Do what makes you HAPPY
10. LOVE YOURSELF the way you are right now, not what or who you could be

We should be thankful for what our bodies are able to accomplish every day. We need to embrace 100% of our inner and outer beauty. No one else can have the same beauty as you, so embrace it. Take it with the smile every morning when you wake up alive for another day. 

I've heard far too many women belittle themselves, not give themselves enough credit, complain about their flaws, wish for things without the mental mindset to achieve them. I feel like as women we need to rally together and remind each other that WE ARE ENOUGH. You are beautiful, you are a good mother, you are intelligent, you are successful, you are amazing, you are you, and that is ENOUGH. I'm not telling you to stop dreaming or to stop reaching for more, as we should always be doing that, I'm just saying let's change our mindset, and remind ourselves of the good, the beautiful, the amazing women we are, and soon enough, a positive mind will breed a POSITIVE LIFE!

Conquering Mountains Not Shrinking to a Grain of Sand

May 1, 2013.....a day that is forever engraved in my life. The day that I saved me!

This photo is one of the very few photos I have of myself prior to this very important day. This photo is 1 month prior to me deciding it was time to save myself. I never understood what saving your own self really meant. I always thought of people who were addicts being the only ones that needed to save themselves if they wanted to continue to live. I never realized that just needing to find oneself meant that I was also saving me. As I sit here and think of what to write and look at this photo all I remember is how uncomfortable I was at my friend's wedding, but I also look at these boys who love their mommy and needed their mommy to be happy. My boys didn't know what I thought about myself because they wouldn't understand it. They didn't know that I hated looking at myself in the mirror or refused to take photos 90% of the time because I didn't want to see the end result. To them they just saw their mommy. 

Yes I was their mommy and always will be, but how could I be a mom who would always be there for them if I couldn't take care of myself. Not just in the sense of needing to be healthy but just to be happy. I didn't believe I could accomplish anything and that I was going to be a failure to the 2 absolute most important people in my life.  

I spent a good 6ish years hiding from the world as the weight kept piling on. Being uncomfortable with what the world was witnessing. I lacked confidence. I lacked the love for myself and my body. I lacked the mentality to believe that I mattered to people. My smiles were fake and my smiles were uncomfortable. Worrying about what others thought about me and my appearance was more than what I thought about myself. You could have told me I was beautiful but I didn't believe it. How could a person like me feel beautiful? How could I be beautiful? If I didn't believe I was beautiful then how could anyone else see it. 

Today I am here, 3 years later, and I wouldn't change a single moment of this journey. This morning the sun was shining and I knew I needed to get out and just reflect. I went to the M trail and went up the mountain. I have gone up this mountain enough times to know now that I could do it, but today I needed to prove to myself that I not only am I strong but also I just needed place where I could truly reflect on me and be alone. Running two switchbacks and walking one switchback to catch my breathe. Refusing to stop at the M and keep going up that mountain to really think. Remembering when the M was a struggle for me. I took in the beauty around me and recited a quote to myself over and over again. "I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply all my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy." ~ OG MANDINO I didn't know this quote until a very important person shared it with us on a regular basis at Title and I immediately loved it. I know that I strain my potential everyday because I refuse to give up on the person I have become. I have part of this quote tattooed on my foot so I can look down and remind myself why am I doing this. Why do I push myself every day to my max? I have conquered mountains every day since that terrifying day that I stepped foot in a gym and made a commitment to myself to do it. I wasn't going to let the fears of the world watching me allow me to shrink to a grain of sand that wasn't important.

On the way down the M today, "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten came on and this song as truly become my theme song. When I hear it I just want to sing it at the top of my lungs because I have fought. When I got to my car I played the song on repeat while on my way to Title for my routine 12 round class. The song played and I turned it way up and I sang. I used every ounce of energy I could to keep the tears back while I sang the lyrics. Not because I was sad but because I was happy. Because I have saved me.

I probably sound like a broken record but this journey isn't always about those numbers on the scale (yes I have to remind myself this on a regular basis). This journey isn't just a diet so that I can wear smaller clothes. This journey isn't just to prove to myself that I can do it. This journey is just as much of a physical one as it is a mental and emotional one. I have completely changed my lifestyle while saving my life. I cherish every minute of my life now and I don't ever want to take it for granted. I have been able to get back to my roots of reading inspirational things and truly believing in them regardless of what they are about. I am going back to things I use to love to do one by one. I can smile knowing that I am comfortable with me and that I don't care what others think as much. The people I meet now don't know who I was then. They didn't know the unhappy me or the obese me. 

The woman you see now is confident. I am in love with ME. The woman that gets introduced to someone new doesn't want to just hide and shy away. They don't need to know my story but if it comes up I will share. I am not ashamed of my story and I want it to be public if it will help another person save themselves. I wouldn't change a single moment of the last 3 years. If you catch me not smiling now it isn't because I don't like what I am today, it just means something else is going on. I can allow the sparkle in my eyes and my smile to reflect my confidence. 

I didn't realize something until just recently either, I wanted to have a career in something that would allow me to have an impact on people's lives. I had so many important people in my life growing up that made such an impact on me that I wanted to be that somebody for someone. However my career in accounting isn't exactly that, but I was recently reminded that I am still having an impact on people, just in a different way. I am able to show people that anything is possible if you have the right reason for it. That all people can be loved and all people deserve the absolutely best our of their lives. That their lives are worth saving and the fight is hard but so worth it in the end. The fight doesn't have to be about weight or about beauty, the fight is your fight and one that is worth fighting for. The person I was in the past wouldn't have believed inspiring people was something I was capable of, but now I know that anything can be used for inspiration. Just showing someone that taking that first scary step towards a goal that might seem unachievable is well worth it. Not giving up after putting in work and not getting the results you want. 

So on this day, May 1, I will always remember that I conquered my fears to become who I am meant to be. Who people believed I was but I couldn't believe it. I did the work and I screamed for mercy when I refused to fail. My life is forever changed.