Something A Little Different

The purpose of this blog from the beginning was to document where I was and who I am becoming on my journey to a new lifestyle. It is also to discuss some goals that I am currently working towards that I have yet to talk about on here. But I have had some personal things come up recently that I would like to briefly talk about because I feel like it relates to the change I have gone through over the last 3 years.

I am a mom to 2 wonderful and crazy boys. These boys drive my crazy on a daily basis but they are also part of my why. Landon and Reiley are part of my fight because I need to be the best me that I can be so that I can be the mom that they deserve. They deserve a mom who will always be there for them, who cares for them, who loves them, and who would do anything for them.

Landon has had struggles along his growing up and these are struggles that I wish he didn't have. We started right out of the gate with acid reflux, eczema, and constant ear infections. Before we knew he he was having tubes in and a couple years later speech therapy because he was slightly behind the curve for 3 years old. This time, 5 years ago, we were experiencing behavioral issues with him while he was at HeadStart PreSchool. Some of these behaviors were hard to tell if it was just because he was a boy or if he really had struggles. Next became the enormous amounts of evaluations and testing done by our local schools to see what we could figure out. After weeks of this and countless meetings, the school felt he was ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder)/ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder). He was almost 5 and as a parent the last thing you want to hear is that your child has something fighting against him.

Just before he started kindergarten we had gone to a specialist to get a diagnosis, but he didn't believe Landon fit the criteria. He told me that Landon was a 5 year old boy who was possibly borderline ADHD but not ODD. Landon would either grow out of the behavior or he would get worse. To me that was the worst thing I could hear. Basically I have to sit and wait to see how it would play out. As time gone by we had ups and downs with behavioral issues at school, but he also couldn't make friends, and was just struggling.

As time has gone by he has also had to have 4 sets of tubes in for ear infections, after numerous tests diagnosed with asthma, and still has eczema issues. It has been nothing but a whirlwind of doctors and testing to see where we were with everything.

When Landon was ending 2nd grade we had the opportunity to transfer schools. We made the mutual decision to do this because we thought it would be a great fresh start for him. Meet kids that didn't know his past and didn't know of the struggles he has had. Hopes of him making friends and getting more involved. The school transfer also brought to light how much he was still struggling with behaviors and attention. So back to the drawing board and evaluations and different specialist. Only this time we were able to finally get a diagnosis of ADHD. This was a relief as it confirmed all of the testing we had done in the past and now we could hopefully find the way to help him. Therapy sessions, medications, and techniques in class all seemed to finally be helping. Only thing he was still lacking was friends.

Unfortunately, as of today, Landon still struggles. We have also added ODD back to the drawing board of diagnosis as he fits almost all of the characteristics of that also. When the school comes up on the Caller ID my gut sinks a little as the first thing that comes to my mind is "What now?"

So to the point of this, I have struggles with Landon on almost a daily basis. It is hard as a mom to battle with your child and to not know the best way to help him. This last week has been a true testament to that. A therapy session that showed me the other side that I never experience but that his teachers and school staff have dealt with on countless occasions. To watch a 9 year old go from calm to completely pissed off in a matter of 5 minutes and throwing items across the room was mind blowing. I know kids throw tantrums but this isn't a tantrum, this is full blown anger and it was over the simplest thing. Then the next day, I received a call from the school that something extremely serious was said by Landon during his group session and it is raising "red" flags (I would go into detail if I could).

Needless to say that after those two days of crazy emotions I was at my breaking point. I felt like a failure as a mom to Landon. How can I help him? I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like everything we have done in the past isn't working and we are back at square one. I was at an emotional breaking point and literally cried for 4 hours because I just couldn't do it anymore. The worst feeling in the world is feeling helpless when it comes to our children.

During my emotional breakdown though I realized how emotional of an eater I am. All I could think was finding every ounce of bad food in my house and eating it. I wanted to give up and just binge eat. I never really thought of myself as an emotional eater though. However, it took a lot of effort to not do it.

I was reminded though by my dearest of friends in my life of what they see. Those around me see how wonderful of a mom I am to Landon and Reiley. I work hard daily to make the right choices when it comes to them and putting them first. I can make mistakes and it isn't the end of my parenting. I care and they are the most important things in my life. I have changed because I didn't reach for that security blanket in food. I am a strong and beautiful mom who is being tested to her full potential right now but because I am a fighter and will fight for Landon and Reiley everyday I can handle this. It will be tough but I can do it.

My days are long and my days are busy, but they are equally divided between me time, work, boys, and family time. I do not feel like I have deprived any aspect of that and I will continue to fight.

What has this journey meant to me?

So in my first couple posts I wanted to share my story with you, and in all reality I did. But that was really just sharing the weight loss story. That story though wasn't sharing everything that I have learned about myself and who I am still learning to become.

The last couple of years I have grown into a person who I can believe in again. The journey I started the day that I walked into a gym was a journey to change who I was and truly be happy with me again. When I look back at the photos of the person trying on clothes or being forced to be in a photo, all I can see is someone who was unhappy. Someone who didn't believe in herself. Someone who hated life. Someone who didn't know who she was anymore. To be told I was beautiful was something I didn't take to heart. I always saw it as people just trying to be nice and not truly meaning what they meant. It didn't matter if it was coming from my family, friends, or even my husband. It didn't matter because I didn't believe it. I was someone who was there physically but mentally was at a complete loss. The someone who wouldn't let a true smile (you know the one) unless I faked it. I had to make a change, and the only way that change was going to happen was by going big. Walking through those doors to a gym and deciding that my life was important and that I needed to save the soul of the person who wasn't me. That day I had to not be afraid of what challenges would lie ahead of me. The changes that I would not only experience physically but also mentally and emotionally. It wasn't going to be easy but it had to happen and I had to find my "WHY". I had found the desire that I needed to love myself again, to be happy, and to let the real me shine through. 

I knew in my heart that the old me was still there. It was just buried deep inside and trying to dig herself out through all the sadness. I was always a shy person but once people got to know me I could really let them in. But as I buried myself in weight, I wasn't comfortable letting people in. It was hard to not want to continue being the shy uncomfortable person that nobody would want to talk to. Being uncomfortable in my own skin though prevented me from things that I wish wasn't the case. When you are uncomfortable the only thing I ever thought was "What do people really think of me that they don't want to say to my face?". I would care more about what others thought then what I thought about myself. 

I wasn't doing this for my husband. I wasn't doing this for my family or my friends. The people I loved also couldn't do it for me. I had to put in the hard work myself. Today, I am still Krystal, but I can actually believe in who I am. I can let people in and get to know them and let them get to know the real me. I don't have to hide in the corner anymore with my head hanging low because I am embarrassed of how I look. I don't feel like I have to worry as much about what people think.  

Did the scale change? Well of course it did. I had put 120% of my effort towards this change because I couldn't fail. I couldn't fail this time because I had failed too many times in the past. I am not a failure and I am competitive so I knew I had it in me. Going from 252 pounds to 160 pounds in about 2 1/2 years is a lot of hard work. There were injuries, challenges, moments of doubt, and times where I just wanted to throw in the towel. But I knew that in my heart of hearts that I couldn't give up this time. 

Now I am trying to get back to my roots, get back to who I was when life was simple. Fulfill dreams that I never thought imaginable. Goals that I would have never had on my bucket list. I want to document and share my journey, share my struggles and thoughts, and hope that I can help someone else out there who was just like me. Helping others has always been a passion of mine but I couldn't do it if I couldn't help myself. I've always wanted to be someone that made such an impact on someones life that they could rely on me to be there. 

I have found myself again and I refuse to lose what I have found because I love me! I can enjoy every aspect of my life and know that I am okay. I did this and I am me again!

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!!