Is Balance and Maintaining Achievable?

There are always days of self doubt when you are on a journey to saving your life. There will always be those days that make me wonder, will I always be able to maintain what I have achieved so far.  Or will I fall backwards into my old habits and reverse the amount of sweat and hard work I have put in over the last 2 years.

When I had written the summary of my journey in November I was at the lowest weight I had been at since high school. I was weighing in at 160 pounds and feeling great. That was a number I honestly never thought I would see, it wasn't part of my original goal and I was shocked when I hit that number.  However, the struggle came very quickly though of how to manage through the holidays. 

• How do you decide if it is okay to let loose over the holidays with your family and friends and not worry about the calories you are going to consume over Thanksgiving or Christmas?
• How do you decide if it is okay to have those few days to do so and that it doesn't mean all of the work is over?
• How do you learn to not worry about what the scale might reflect after enjoying those extra calories?
• Is there such a thing as maintaining and not feeling like you have given up and will go back to your old ways?

These thoughts are always in the back of my mind and I struggle with them a lot. It isn't just over the holiday season either. I have a huge fear of ending up back to the person I was. Being the unhappy and self-conscious person that I was. Sneaking food because I was too embarrassed to let my husband see that I was scarfing down cookies or a huge bowl of ice cream. I don't ever want to be that person again, but life sometimes gets in the way and it is a daily struggle.

I have to fight those little negative thoughts in my head on a daily basis. I almost always have temptation around me when it comes to maintaining healthy eating. It could be at home or at the office or just having an outing with some friends. I can't plan every day the way that I want to and I have to find balance. I have to remind myself that the one burger or the one Krispy Kreme isn't going to ruin everything that I have accomplished. That I can log that treat and know that I'm not going to gain 93 pounds back by just eating that one thing. It might taste good but it doesn't determine everything. The one day of not staying on track 100% isn't going to start me over at day 1. It just means that when I wake up the next day I don't focus on what I had the day before and I focus on the new day. It means that I can have balance and not feel guilty about enjoying the foods I no longer eat on a regular basis. 

I'm not going to lie and say that I don't weigh myself as often as I did the past. I get on the scale now more than I wish I did but because that fear of going backwards is always on my mind. I don't want to see that number go up. I don't want to feel like I have given up on me. I feel like I have to prove to myself that I can maintain now and still enjoy life. 

There are truly so many struggles in life and things will get the best of us. But it happens and it is life. But I have to take it one day at a time and know that it is okay. I am maintaining and I'm not sacrificing anything. 

The Fight to Continue......Goals....... (NOTE: This was originally written in Nov 2015)

Ending 2013 with finally seeing some changes made me realize I was capable of bettering myself.  I continued my workouts and even started running some races. However, 2014 ended up being a struggle for me as I had lost my focus on fueling my body properly. The scale would reflect that and I had many moments of being discouraged and ready to throw in the towel. There was no personal reason for lack of focus other than just not giving my all and forgetting why I had started this journey. I knew I was still losing inches because I would need to buy those new clothes but I was still frustrated with myself. In those 12 months, I had only gone down 15 pounds and I was disappointed with that. But now I can look back at that year and know that I needed that to push me forward to what was hopefully going to be the best year yet.

With that, I was ready to tackle 2015 head on and meet the goal I had set on that first day, to go from 252 pounds to 180 pounds so that I could be back to where I was pre-babies. This wasn't a small task but I had already lost 52 pounds so what was another 20? I just had to remind myself daily why I was doing this. What was my why? My why was still the same; I wanted to find out who I was as a person and push myself to the limits. By May, my goal was within reach and I was ready for it. I pushed harder, asked Rachel for advice in my eating, and was ready to give it my all. I put on my mirror at home that I would be under 180 by July 31st. It was time to log my food, up that protein, lower those carbohydrates, and hold myself accountable for everything I was doing. Stop making excuses and just do it. I was scared to get on that scale at the end of the month and not see a number that I wanted because I knew the amount of work I had put in. To my surprise though, I had done it. I had met my first and original goal after 2 ½ years of dedication.

Knowing that I succeeded at that accomplishment only fueled my fire more.  I held my head high with self-confidence and was proud of what I had achieved. Here I was, 10 months into 2015 and still pushing. Training hard for new goals and pushing my body until it cries for mercy. I haven't felt this amazing in a very long time and I wouldn't change it for anything. Hitting the ground running hard in 2015 was exactly what I needed and I was able to go down 39 pounds and countless inches.

In 30 months I had dropped 90 pounds. I did it slow and healthy and what I feel is the best way I could have done it. I have forever committed myself to the new lifestyle and I am glad that I took that first step to the gym. If I wouldn't have taken that leap I don't know where I would be today. Starting in a 3x shirt to now wearing size M and being uncomfortable in those size 22/24 pants to now loving my new size 7/8.  I don't know what my future holds because I am still trying to determine what goals I want next. Losing the weight was always number one and I never thought past that. I just assumed I would just stop once I hit that goal and be happy but I soon realized I needed more. Does my future hold competitions, maybe? Does my future hold just focusing on weight lifting goals, maybe? Or does my future just hold me being the best at what I can do? Maybe my future is helping others with their struggles and inspiring others so that they know it is possible.   My goals may not be clear right now, but I won't stop from putting one foot in front of the other and pushing for that purpose that I needed years ago.

If I could give you any advice at all, it would be to not give up. Take that first scary step to a new you. Don't worry about what the other people are thinking.  I am living proof that anyone can do it if they put their mind to it. All that matters is what you believe in.  Do you believe you can do it? Do you feel that hunger to become a better you? Are you ready to commit to a new lifestyle? Start with those baby steps because there are no shortcuts. Those baby steps could be committing to 3 workouts a week, eliminating that soda, or cutting out the fast food and learning how to meal prep. Find that one small commitment and stick with it before adding another. Surround yourself with positive people who can give you advice when needed. That accountability is going to play a huge role when making a lifestyle change. Those days where you feel like you are failing and you just think you need to give up, DON'T! Turn to that support system and ask for help.

Remember only you can make yourself happy and hold yourself responsible for what you want. You have to put in the effort to make it work for you. Find that purpose that makes you get out of bed every day to motivate you. That reason is going to keep you going on those days of self doubt and why you will continue to walk through those doors every day.

“Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your lungs and the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that yells “CAN’T”, but you don’t listen. You just push harder. And then you hear the voice whisper “CAN”. And you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.” ~~ Unknown

Where to begin.........The Struggle....(NOTE: This was originally written Nov 2015)

I have never felt 100% confident with my body or with how I looked.  Growing up, I struggled with low self-esteem and felt judged for my body and how I looked.  I wasn't always overweight. Even though I was a very active student in high school I didn’t look like an athlete.  Life happens though and that always causes our bodies to change.  I weighed 180 pounds as a full time college student and was living off of fast food. Then, everything changed when I became pregnant.  I didn't know how to be healthy while growing another human being, but I also never asked for guidance. I used the age old excuse, “I am eating for 2 so I can eat what I want” and that showed on the scale when I had my first son. Seeing that scale go from 180 to 230 pounds was devastating but I thought it was typical and the weight would fall off.  Unfortunately, that was not the case for me as I continued with my poor diet and lack or exercise. The weight stayed and when I became pregnant again a few years later it only got worse.  Before I knew it, I was pushing 250 pounds and that is where I would stay.

I had tried to put forth the effort to lose the weight but I was never able to commit 100% and I gave up way too easily. I wanted the quick fix. I wanted those huge immediate results so that I knew I was doing something right. I joined bootcamps, sought out advice from friends, but none of it was working for me and I felt defeated. I only thought I needed to be healthy for my husband and my boys. I didn't feel the need to be healthy so that I could be happy and find who I really am. I wanted to be healthy so that I wasn't judged as being the overweight mom or wife that was limited with what she could do.

At the age of 28, I was put on high blood pressure medication. I knew that I had family genetics playing against me and that my weight was definitely a contributing factor. This was definitely an eye opener and only proved to me that I needed to make a change. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life on medications for something that I could fix.

My life changed on a girl's weekend trip to Spokane. We were at Kohl's and I'm watching them try on cute clothes and all I could do was watch. The clothes in my size were in a very small section of the store and they were not clothes that I wanted to wear. So right there, in the middle of the store, I had an emotional breakdown. I started crying and just felt alone and embarrassed. I was 29 dressing like I was 40, on medications, hating myself, and just being completely unhappy. On the way home I had a very in-depth conversation with my friend's mom who had been on her own weight loss journey. What she had to say really hit home for me and she assured me that I could do it if I just set my mind to it.

I had to accept that my family would love me regardless of what I looked like or what the scale said. What really mattered the most was how I felt about me. How was I going to make myself happy and comfortable in my own skin? I had to do this journey for me and me alone. I felt that if I couldn't do this one task to better my life I was a failure. Scared to death, on May 1, 2013, I made the leap and joined the YMCA. All I could think to myself was that this entire gym was going to be watching this overweight person trying to use an exercise machine. I was terrified to say the least. I had friends going with me as a support system and they were showing me different workouts to try so that I could continue on my own. They had different goals than me though, they weren't unhealthy and needing to change their lives, and once they stopped going to the gym as often, I had to make the decision of how bad did I want this. Did I want it bad enough that I could walk through those doors on my own and succeed? There I was 29 and weighing 252 pounds, almost wearing a 3x shirt and size 22/24 pants. I was miserable! I had to make a commitment to myself that I was going to do this. I had to do this at my pace. Committing to just a few days a week at the gym to try and maintain a schedule. Eating right wasn't a priority yet; as I had to prove to myself that I wanted this and could do it. For four straight months I continued my workouts and then I decided it was time to incorporate the healthy eating. I was still at a loss but I tried to do some research and find out what I needed to do. It was tough, trying new foods and not eating the junk that was always in our cupboards. It took years to get to where I was and it wasn't going to come off overnight.

November 2013, I had new friends in my corner supporting me through my new lifestyle. They understood where I was heading as they were on the same journey. I was invited to try the FIRST SHOT FREE class at Title. I was scared to say the least. The first thought that came to my mind is that I would be that one person in class in the corner vomiting because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't ready for that high intensity workout. Plus all the fears of being judged for still being overweight and unhealthy came rushing back. This was a new place, new people, new everything. But I just had to take that first step and walk through those doors with my friends by my side and just do it. I remember Rachel being our first trainer and all I could think was “WOW” can I look like that!! She knew just what to say to make me feel comfortable and ready to take on the challenge of my first class.

By the end of 2013, I was down 37 pounds and feeling better about myself. I had made it 8 months without giving up and that was amazing. I was fitting into smaller clothes and slowly feeling more confident with myself. I still had a long ways to go but I wasn't going to give up.