Reality & Balance

Man oh man, I sure didn't realize how tough adjusting back to a normal and balanced routine would be after competition. I heard about it and what the best way was to go about it with reverse dieting, but I didn't realize how hard it really was physically and mentally.

The day after competition I was able to sit and enjoy meals with my family and not feel like I was ruining something. My family was in town for Landon's birthday party and I could enjoy that cake and those beverages and I was able to enjoy Easter dinner with everyone. It felt amazing to just be able to have a plate full of food that wasn't cooked separately from them and get to have the same satisfaction they had from the ham, rolls, potatoes, and green beans.

However, after that day, I was a struggle bus. I was given my macros to follow for reverse dieting and my first thought was, this will be easy because I have followed macros for the past 14+ weeks. How hard can it be to follow those macros to reintroduce everything back into my system and do it correctly? Well let me tell you what, it was a lot harder than I had thought. It was like I had unleashed a beast inside of me after tasting the most wonderful and flavorful food that the beast refused to be locked up again. I had all of the temptations right there in front of me that I had during prep but why was it so much harder to not have them now? It wasn't just a little bite of this and a little bit of that. Between the Easter candy, the cake, the treats, the carbs I just couldn't resist it. I would go to work and be okay because I had my prepped food with me, but when I would get home it all went down hill.

After eating like this all of last week, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I could see my body changing. I could feel my clothes becoming tighter. I knew this would happen eventually but I definitely sped up the process with my lack of control over those few days.

I know that my body the day of competition or even the day after looked amazing and I also know that the weight I came in at is not a healthy weight for me to maintain. I slowly dropped weight from 165 in December to 142 on competition day. My body was happy for over a year at 157-165 and that was where it wanted to be and I was always good with that because even though the scale wasn't moving, I was seeing change in my body the whole time. But seeing what the body can achieve in 14 weeks and losing that weight plays tricks on you. I saw a whole new body and even though I know it wasn't a healthy body and water depleted, I liked what I saw. So the mental game here is that I have to realize that I have put the weight back on in a very short amount of time and my body looks different. My inner body is not happy with me because of the choices I made and those foods played havoc on me. But I am back to looking fuller and just trying to find balance.

I did some photo comparisons last week and that is when it finally hit me and all made sense to me. Comparing my body at the end of the year (12/31/16) and weighing in at 164 to weighing at 162 a week after show day, my body is different. My shoulders are still defined and my abs and mid section changed.

Then I look at photos of me from the day after competition to the day I weighed in. And I didn't really realize how lean I was and unhealthy looking at the same time. I can't look like that all the time.

So mentally, I honestly found the week after the hardest part of the whole thing. It wasn't the 14 weeks of 6 days a week in the gym and the meal plan. I wasn't deprived of food or starving. I was changing.

In a nutshell, I have found my love and sanity in fitness and next I just have to find balance. I've had balance before and I can have it again. I can enjoy life and foods and be okay with that. I will continue to grow as a person and physically as I continue.

I wanted to make sure I got this post out because this past 2 weeks has been hard. All I could think was how bad I fucked up doing what I did. But I didn't. What's done is done and I'm back to normal. I've had a lot of success that I didn't think I was going to on this journey but I've had a lot of struggles too. Most struggles I don't talk about because I know people look to me for inspiration so I feel like I can't show the hard parts sometimes. But my life isn't perfect and my journey isn't perfect. Every day is different but everyday I try to make the best choices by going to the gym and trying to eat right.

Peak Week & The Big Sky Championship

Where oh where do I even begin.

Peak week was something completely different. I knew somewhat what was going to go down since I had done the trial run last fall but without the extremes. I knew about the large amounts of water to no water and the boring and plan nutrition. I didn't know about the water pills or how much my body would change day in and day out in just a week. It was absolutely amazing to watch the change in the body as it knew what it was suppose to be doing to prepare for the big day. The days of freezing and wearing layers from low body fat and the metabolism working correctly to the lack of energy and everything else in between. But thankfully everything worked right on track and did what it was suppose to do.

The BIG DAY came before I knew it and oh my god what an experience. I experienced every aspect of emotions on this one particular day.

Friday was the day of spray tan and registration. The final day to make sure everything was ready to go. It also meant the mind was going in all directions and sleep was at a minimal that night plus with the wonderful sinus congestion that started just the day before made it hard to really sleep.

Saturday morning, I was up at 4:30 and ready to get going. I had my high carb breakfast, checked my bags, and off I went to hair and makeup at 6:30. The amazingly talented Jamie Bush @ Tres Chic was in charge of my hair/makeup process and I knew she would nail it perfectly for this big day.

Everything from matching my face color to the tan, to the perfect purple eyes and fake eyelashes, to the simple but yet feminine touch on my hair. IT WAS PERFECT! My excitement only grew as she completed the process and was ready to go. Plus the delicious chocolate rice cakes helped a lot!

The nerves and small freak out period came next. I was late the the very fast and short competitor's meeting and completely missed it. So the freak out started because I didn't know where to go, what was going down, or what to do. I got a hold of Rachel and she quickly calmed my nerves as she was just seconds behind me. I got my stuff situated and next came the touch-up of the tan and the gluing of the suit. Had to make sure the back wasn't going to give me a wedgie as I walked across the stage and that the small remnants of boobs that I have left were glued in the right spot to hopefully give me some cleavage. LOL! Before I knew it it was time for the glaze on the skin and pumping of muscles to get into line for the prejudging event. 

First came Novice and there were 8 of us amazing women going for the top 5 spots. The nerves and the shakes were there right when I took that very first step on stage. Do you know how hard it is to hold a pose, flex, and smile with every ounce while shaking from head to toe? It is extremely hard! A few quarter turns and call outs and we were off the stage and circling around for the next round. 

Second came Open and there were 9 of us, the same 8 as in Novice plus 1 more addition person going for the top 5. The nerves were less this time around as I got the first jitters out. A few more quarter turns and flexing and call outs and we were off of the stage and done for the morning. In one hour I went from freak out to all done on stage. It was so fast that the mind didn't have time to really process what had just happened. 

I felt great. I felt the adrenaline rush. I didn't really think at the time where I had placed or if I really cared. The fact that I walked out on that stage with the biggest smile I felt I could give and stood up there showing all of the hard work I had put in was all that I could do. As the morning continued on I still was beaming from ear to ear with excitement wishing it wasn't over. Wishing that those moments of quarter turns were longer, wondering if there was anything else I could have done differently.

After sticking around to see my amazing teammate Taylaur kick some bikini bootie, it was time for some lunch. I went and grabbed my Grandma from her hotel and off we went to Red Robin. I ordered a burger but I had completely misunderstood what Rachel wanted me to eat, haha. When she said a burger with no bun, my brain automatically thought no fixings or toppings so I ordered a plain old burger patty and had a couple fries. Apparently my brain cells were lacking at that moment because that wasn't what she meant at all!

During lunch my emotions changed. I was having a great conversation with my Grandma, but the reflection of certain feelings or things said were getting to me and I was letting it get to me. I knew that I had people supporting me, but I also knew that they really didn't want to go this particular event. This was hard for me because my family was in this particular group. I knew they wanted to show me support but they were not looking forward to watching this type of event to support me. That was hard for me mentally/emotionally. I was hurt. Feeling like the feeling of being uncomfortable at this event could be pushed aside for this particular day. This day was about me, as horrible as that might sound, but I needed them there 100%.

After a short break and food, including an absolutely amazing cupcake made by my buddy Aubrey, it was time to get back to the event for the main show.

 It was time to check the tan again, glue the suit back into place, and go out on stage for our single call outs and the results of the top 5. Rachel found me and knew something was up. It was written on my face and in my eyes. I had to try and push it aside and get excited for this next go around. At this time I had figured out that I hadn't placed in the top 5 at all. I was starting to feel defeated and crushed and just a ball of emotions. Forgetting the reason for why I decided to do this in the first place. My journey was unlike any and they didn't know my journey. Unfortunately, the bio that I had written for my single call out wasn't said by the announcer so nobody got to hear my journey in a quick tidbit. The long day, the posing, the nerves, the emotions, the disappointment were all getting to me. My back injury was flaring up and I had a hard time standing tall and proud on that stage.

After not being called out for one of the top 5 spots, we left the stage and grabbed our scoring cards and had some photos taken backstage.

I glanced down at my score cards and instantly became more emotional. I was put at last place for both Novice and Open. Once again, forgetting everything that I had put towards this went down the drain because my competitive mind took over. Mad at myself trying to figure out what I did wrong. Why did I get last place? Seeing the other girls, I felt like I had just as much to offer as they did, but what was I missing. Deep down I knew this was wrong of me, but I was upset. All the hard work I had put in and I got last place.

The physical was over, but the mental and emotional toll was taking over me completely and I was broken. I felt like a loser and felt like I shouldn't have been on that stage. Maybe I wasn't ready? What was I thinking? Why did I do this? Why did I just spend all of this money to go through this process? All of the negative thoughts came flowing through and I was heart broken.

All of the kind words my friends, family, supporters were telling me were not enough to get me out of that giant hole of negativity. I wanted to crawl in a giant hole and never come out. But the night wasn't over and there were pictures to be done and I couldn't be that sore loser. I'm not a loser regardless of what those score cards stated.

The night ended and I was pushing through the thoughts. My new friend, Dixie, took me out to dinner and I ordered a REAL burger this time.

As the day came to a close and the next day started, all of the emotions were still running in my head. Trying to really wrap my head around what had happened and what it really all meant.

First and foremost, I realize how incredibly stupid it was to feel the way that I did. I wasn't a loser. I wasn't in last place. I was a winner in my own journey. The old me that hid in crowds and never wanted to step on stage and hated being the center of attention is no longer alive. I am proud of what I did and the work that I committed to doing. I did something that most people would never think of doing whether they are already fit or are not. I was scared but I was brave. I was picked apart by the judges and risked it all to get up there in just a skimpy suit. The only people there that knew where I started were there in the crowd supporting me. I put that smile on my face and bared all to a room of strangers. Baring every stretch mark to cellulite to muscle for all to see and I did it competitively and being comfortable enough in my own skin to do so. I fought against myself to get on that stage and it doesn't matter what the other ladies looked like compared to me. I had the confidence and the guts to work towards a goal and to not give up on that goal. To complete it 100% and knowing that I earned that spot up on that stage. That I sculpted every inch of that body that was up there with every drop of sweat I left on the gym floor. I achieved something that was completely impossible to me 4 years ago.

These words from an amazing friend spoke to me on this big day that I had to remember, "the best thing to do in this moment to stay level is to own it and enjoy the people there and don't be scared. When you get nervous let all the training, posing, and everything take over and think about the very first workout you ever did in this process. The way you felt, how hard it was to breathe much less move, and then the next hardest thing you remember is the burning in my lungs, the sweat, and the agony in each muscle as you tried to get one last rep in, and work slowly through each one. And for every person there, every set of eyes, you have a burning memory proving that you earned their time, you earned their respect, and you earned your own acceptance. You paid full price for the joy and for the power and feeling of smiling on that stage knowing your boundless power."

And just to put this out there, I was overthinking the family support. Yes they were uncomfortable, but they were damn proud of their daughter doing what I did. They never thought they would witness what they did or be me the one they were witnessing.

So to summarize quickly, I went from over the moon, to defeated, to giving up and feeling like a failure, back to remembering why I was on that stage and again feeling proud of everything I had achieved. Leaving the thoughts behind of feeling like a loser.

Want to know what's next for me? Stay tuned because that is a chapter that has yet to be written and has yet to be determined. I do know that my life isn't what it use to be. My life is a fight but it is one that I will fight for every damn day and give it 100%. I'm not a quitter or a loser. I AM A FIGHTER! You don't have to know my journey, you don't have to know me, but know this, I am here and I'm not leaving. You can pick me apart and you can compare me to others, but deep down, I know that I AM A WINNER and that is all that matters. Because at the end of the day, I didn't give up, not even once!

Reflection....Peak Week....5 Days to go

As I am freezing in my bed but also relaxing on this Sunday, I am reflecting on everything from the past 13 weeks to the past 4 years. Every step has been amazing and I don't even know where to start really.

Four years ago I was someone who was just lost and unhappy with herself. I was shy and closed off until I got to know you. I didn't like to share my feelings. I hated shopping. I didn't have that one thing that kept me excited every day. I made that leap of faith to trust myself and go for it and make a change in my life.

I needed to spend some time reflecting on the journey and what my goals are for after competition so that I knew what direction I was heading in and could do my reverse dieting properly without putting my body into entire shock. I had been thinking about goals for the last couple weeks and it was hard to pinpoint the direction I wanted to go since I haven't finished this goal yet. 

So yesterday while cleaning the house for the upcoming family visit, I tried to also think about what I wanted to accomplish. I have absolutely fallen in love with who I have become in every aspect of this journey. Mentally and physically. Not in a million years would I have imagined this transformation being so huge in both aspects. This isn't just the transformation over the last 4 years, this is also just the transformation I have seen over the past year and even the past 13 weeks. Everyday I feel a little more confident in what I am doing and I am able to show that. Will I compete again? Maybe, but I can't decide that until I step on that stage this Saturday. 

This competition prep has been incredible. It has been trying at times and it has run me into the ground on occasions, but it has also shown me how hard I can push myself and keep myself accountable. I had my amazing support system who were willing to put the gym time in with me, but a majority of the time I had to make sure I was the one getting up early and getting it done. Or having to go back to the gym after a long day to finish the rest of the workout. The true athlete has come out in me that I had put away for so many years. 

So right now, if I were to set goals for myself, I know I don't want to stop. I want to continue lifting, no power-lifting for this girl though. My back structure won't allow for that so I will strive to just improve and be stronger. I want to continue to work on being strong and building and symmetry in case I do decide to compete again. But to also just work on improving myself. I know that I have it in me now. I have a new found love for life and fitness. 

I want to take this new found love and thrive with it. I want to learn more about fitness so that I can make an impact on someone if they wanted. I have followed the directions and I know what works and now I want to learn why it has worked and would it work for someone else. I know that everybody is different and every person needs different nutrition and workouts and I want to understand why that is. I am told I am inspiration to many, but now I want to help those people. I don't want to just be the woman they can look at pictures and say she did it, but I want to be able to give guidance because what I have done might not work for them. So when I am asked why I can give them the proper answer and not just because I was told to it this way. 

I always had the need to want to help people and that's why my education journey started out with Pre-Ed, because I had teachers who made an impact on my life. But my heart wasn't there, and today yes I crunch numbers on a daily but I love numbers. It's my thing. However, I feel that this is my thing as well. My heart is here in fitness 100% and seeing other succeed at whatever their goals might be. My life has changed completely and I want that to continue. 

Yesterday was the start of peak week. What I have been working towards for a year is here. It is so crazy to think it is. This week is the final push to that moment on the stage. Every ounce of sweat I have dripped and every moment of soreness has lead up to this. This moment. This test to myself. I will have those supporters cheering me on from the crowd, but the moment I step on that stage I am there. I did it. I did something that I swore I would never do. I did something I never thought I was capable of doing.  

Me as a person doesn't need to change anymore. I am no longer trying to become who I am meant to be. I have found me and who I am true to. I am no longer lost. I AM ME!

I have fought and I have strained my potential until it cried for mercy. I am ready for this battle again me and only me. 

Holy Crap!!!! Only 12 days to go!!!!!!!

Like seriously, where has the time gone! It doesn't feel like I started this prep 12 weeks ago and now I am down the final 12 DAYS!

The last two weeks have been tough in every aspect physically and mentally. Days where the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym. Or the last thing I wanted to do was eat another piece of chicken. Times when my body was fatigued and catching a cold. It has definitely taken a lot over the past few weeks to hold it all together. The time of making it or breaking it and proving to myself that I am strong enough to stick it out and not give up.

Going into these last 4 weeks, Rachel took me out to Ciao Mambo for an absolutely amazing reward meal that consisted of italian nachos, wine, bread, and pasta. Basically all of the carbs a person could have asked for in one sitting. As much as I enjoyed that food at that moment, I sure as hell paid for it the following two days. Did my body look really good and full after those carbs, most definitely, but my stomach was a gut wrenching mess. It literally took two days for it too recover after eating that kind of food after clean eating for so long.

Since that amazing carb up, I have been on a veggie/protein meal plan for 5 of my 6 meals. One of my meals is protein/carbs but that is eat. And the lack of those filling carbs in the body is so tough on temptations. I have even started to dream about the carbs I am not eating. The dream is so vivid that I even can taste it in my mouth when I wake up. And of all of the things to dream of, it was a fully loaded sub-sandwhich, which is definitely not my choice of carbs.

But here I am, going into the home stretch of the next 12 days. There are still things to work on and tweak, but for the majority everything is coming together. I am going to be competing in the Novice Class and the Open Class for Figure. Novice is for the competitors that haven't placed in the top 3 in any figure competition previously and Open is for anyone. I have my suit picked out, working on finalizing the accessories, making hair and makeup decisions. I also am doing a photo shoot to document this time in my journey and I have outfits ready for that.

As my body has been fatigued these past couple of weeks, I have done some reflecting looking back at photos. Looking at where I started 4 years ago. Looking to when I met my goals. Looking to when I first put on the suit. When Dixie lent me her figure suits back in October she had mentioned that this was the most unflattering piece of clothing I would ever put on. Honestly that did discourage me a little bit, but I had to remember when I started. I would have never been caught dead wearing this little piece of fabric. When I put on that suit for the very first time I was excited. I was just finishing my trial run for competition. My posing was absolutely horrid!!!! But to look back at that now and see not only the physical body improvements, but the confidence and the posing. Trusting the process.

Training for this has been the most dedication I think I have put into something for me. But looking back at photos periodically honestly helps so much.

I have had so much help over this journey that I am speechless. I will have a big post about that later, but seriously, I hope you all know much you have helped me in some way or another. 

So here I go, the home stretch. Counting down the days to that moment. Meal plans, water, sodium, workouts, appointments for glam, etc. It will be a crazy 12 days but I'm ready for every last minute of this.

This journey has taught me so much about who I am and what I am capable of. Here is to finishing that fight and getting on that stage. Shining bright with the confidence I have gained. Smiling with that sparkle I was missing for so many years. Letting people in to see the real me and not having to hide anymore. There is no hiding on that stage. I am letting everyone see me on that stage and the judges might not care about my journey but I know those in the audience know and are proud of me. I am stronger that I have ever been and I am becoming who I was meant to be. Makes me teary eyed to just think about it all.

Next post will hopefully be continued next weekend.......and one after the show.....

I love you all for the absolutely amazing support I have received and I can't wait for this. I am ready!