Where to begin.........The Struggle....(NOTE: This was originally written Nov 2015)

I have never felt 100% confident with my body or with how I looked.  Growing up, I struggled with low self-esteem and felt judged for my body and how I looked.  I wasn't always overweight. Even though I was a very active student in high school I didn’t look like an athlete.  Life happens though and that always causes our bodies to change.  I weighed 180 pounds as a full time college student and was living off of fast food. Then, everything changed when I became pregnant.  I didn't know how to be healthy while growing another human being, but I also never asked for guidance. I used the age old excuse, “I am eating for 2 so I can eat what I want” and that showed on the scale when I had my first son. Seeing that scale go from 180 to 230 pounds was devastating but I thought it was typical and the weight would fall off.  Unfortunately, that was not the case for me as I continued with my poor diet and lack or exercise. The weight stayed and when I became pregnant again a few years later it only got worse.  Before I knew it, I was pushing 250 pounds and that is where I would stay.

I had tried to put forth the effort to lose the weight but I was never able to commit 100% and I gave up way too easily. I wanted the quick fix. I wanted those huge immediate results so that I knew I was doing something right. I joined bootcamps, sought out advice from friends, but none of it was working for me and I felt defeated. I only thought I needed to be healthy for my husband and my boys. I didn't feel the need to be healthy so that I could be happy and find who I really am. I wanted to be healthy so that I wasn't judged as being the overweight mom or wife that was limited with what she could do.

At the age of 28, I was put on high blood pressure medication. I knew that I had family genetics playing against me and that my weight was definitely a contributing factor. This was definitely an eye opener and only proved to me that I needed to make a change. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life on medications for something that I could fix.

My life changed on a girl's weekend trip to Spokane. We were at Kohl's and I'm watching them try on cute clothes and all I could do was watch. The clothes in my size were in a very small section of the store and they were not clothes that I wanted to wear. So right there, in the middle of the store, I had an emotional breakdown. I started crying and just felt alone and embarrassed. I was 29 dressing like I was 40, on medications, hating myself, and just being completely unhappy. On the way home I had a very in-depth conversation with my friend's mom who had been on her own weight loss journey. What she had to say really hit home for me and she assured me that I could do it if I just set my mind to it.

I had to accept that my family would love me regardless of what I looked like or what the scale said. What really mattered the most was how I felt about me. How was I going to make myself happy and comfortable in my own skin? I had to do this journey for me and me alone. I felt that if I couldn't do this one task to better my life I was a failure. Scared to death, on May 1, 2013, I made the leap and joined the YMCA. All I could think to myself was that this entire gym was going to be watching this overweight person trying to use an exercise machine. I was terrified to say the least. I had friends going with me as a support system and they were showing me different workouts to try so that I could continue on my own. They had different goals than me though, they weren't unhealthy and needing to change their lives, and once they stopped going to the gym as often, I had to make the decision of how bad did I want this. Did I want it bad enough that I could walk through those doors on my own and succeed? There I was 29 and weighing 252 pounds, almost wearing a 3x shirt and size 22/24 pants. I was miserable! I had to make a commitment to myself that I was going to do this. I had to do this at my pace. Committing to just a few days a week at the gym to try and maintain a schedule. Eating right wasn't a priority yet; as I had to prove to myself that I wanted this and could do it. For four straight months I continued my workouts and then I decided it was time to incorporate the healthy eating. I was still at a loss but I tried to do some research and find out what I needed to do. It was tough, trying new foods and not eating the junk that was always in our cupboards. It took years to get to where I was and it wasn't going to come off overnight.

November 2013, I had new friends in my corner supporting me through my new lifestyle. They understood where I was heading as they were on the same journey. I was invited to try the FIRST SHOT FREE class at Title. I was scared to say the least. The first thought that came to my mind is that I would be that one person in class in the corner vomiting because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't ready for that high intensity workout. Plus all the fears of being judged for still being overweight and unhealthy came rushing back. This was a new place, new people, new everything. But I just had to take that first step and walk through those doors with my friends by my side and just do it. I remember Rachel being our first trainer and all I could think was “WOW” can I look like that!! She knew just what to say to make me feel comfortable and ready to take on the challenge of my first class.

By the end of 2013, I was down 37 pounds and feeling better about myself. I had made it 8 months without giving up and that was amazing. I was fitting into smaller clothes and slowly feeling more confident with myself. I still had a long ways to go but I wasn't going to give up.