Sundays are my rest days now since I am busy the other 6 days of the week with everything else. At first I wasn't thrilled with the Sunday rest schedule because Sunday's were my jam at the gym, but now I am glad this is the day I rest. I still end up at the gym but it is just to take photos and work on my posing. Absolutely no work outs involved.
Today started as a normal Sunday though, I got plenty of rest last night (like 10pm to 730am) which is not a usual for me anymore. I woke up feeling great after yesterday's high carb reward meal day. Had my first meal, did a little meal prep, and went to the gym for posing and photos. On my way got a little coffee treat.
I was feeling good before I started posing. Quick looks in the mirror while I was walking around in my heels and I was noticing the changes in part of my body just over the past week. My legs were looking tighter and my upper body looking fierce. I have been trying to practice my poses in some form every time I'm walking past a mirror because that is the only way I'm going to get better. So I was really hoping posing today would go better than the last few times.
Today though I was struggling with getting my lats to flare. I know that is a hard pose in general but I was having luck with it lately. Today though, it just wasn't happening. Then mentally I started nitpicking at things that I don't need to. Why can't I just figure it out? Why doesn't my stomach look good yet? Will I be ready for this?
Got through our posing session and put my smile on so I could get home. My appetite hasn't been much today and my schedule is out of whack. I felt like I could close my eyes and go to sleep at any moment so around 2 I thought I would take a short little nap. I thought my body was finally just needing to shut down for awhile and catch up. However, I don't think I ever actually fell asleep. I did lay in bed for almost 2 hours, eyes closed, but I don't think I actually slept. Maybe that is okay though. My brain wouldn't shut off and I was having body aches.
Got up in an off mood and got my meal prepping done with no excuses.
So back to my doubts, I am 12 weeks out from the big day and I still have time to perfect my posing. I still have time for my body to continue to change. I know it will change because it did when I did the trial run and it is still changing every day. As I'm typing this I am reminding myself that almost 4 years ago I was a lazy bum weighing 252 pounds. Reminding myself that my body has been through a huge transformation over the past 10 years. My body had grown two amazing kids over the course of 4 years, my body had gained 70 pounds over those 4 years, and my body has lost 97 pounds over another 4 years. I have lucked out in the fact that with all of the transformations I have gone through that my body has reacted the way it has with elasticity in my skin. Most people who lose the amount of weight I have would require skin removal surgery. I on the other hand don't have much for loose skin other than my midsection.
My midsection however though is the one area that I am the most self conscious about. Not because my stomach is covered in stretch marks. I earned every single one of those stretch marks becoming a mother. Those stripes are mine and mine forever. My worry is the loose skin and I know that this is the very last thing to happen and it will happen. I have to stop worrying about it. I have to remember that when I went and witnessed my first competition last year that all of the amazing women on that stage had different bodies and they rocked the shit out of it. Moms up there on that stage who also had stretch marks and loose skin.
However, I will say that as I was putting together my little photo comparisons this evening, I see progress. I see change where change needs to happen. I see me who is letting her confidence show in the poses she is capable of right now. I am a work in progress and I am happy with what I see. This transformation isn't just from 1/1/17 to 4/15/17. This transformation started on 5/1/13 and will never stop.
I see my strong points physically and it is just a matter of figuring out how to get those strong points to reflect when I'm posing. How to show off the amount of work I put in every day.
So even though I felt like today was a hard day for me, I know it was a day where I needed to just rest and relax. A day where I let myself get in my head but I am not defeated. I love who I see in the mirror and I am no model. I am me and only me. I'm not beautiful like anyone else out there. I'm beautiful like me and only me.
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