Peak week was something completely different. I knew somewhat what was going to go down since I had done the trial run last fall but without the extremes. I knew about the large amounts of water to no water and the boring and plan nutrition. I didn't know about the water pills or how much my body would change day in and day out in just a week. It was absolutely amazing to watch the change in the body as it knew what it was suppose to be doing to prepare for the big day. The days of freezing and wearing layers from low body fat and the metabolism working correctly to the lack of energy and everything else in between. But thankfully everything worked right on track and did what it was suppose to do.
The BIG DAY came before I knew it and oh my god what an experience. I experienced every aspect of emotions on this one particular day.
Friday was the day of spray tan and registration. The final day to make sure everything was ready to go. It also meant the mind was going in all directions and sleep was at a minimal that night plus with the wonderful sinus congestion that started just the day before made it hard to really sleep.
Saturday morning, I was up at 4:30 and ready to get going. I had my high carb breakfast, checked my bags, and off I went to hair and makeup at 6:30. The amazingly talented Jamie Bush @ Tres Chic was in charge of my hair/makeup process and I knew she would nail it perfectly for this big day.
Everything from matching my face color to the tan, to the perfect purple eyes and fake eyelashes, to the simple but yet feminine touch on my hair. IT WAS PERFECT! My excitement only grew as she completed the process and was ready to go. Plus the delicious chocolate rice cakes helped a lot!
The nerves and small freak out period came next. I was late the the very fast and short competitor's meeting and completely missed it. So the freak out started because I didn't know where to go, what was going down, or what to do. I got a hold of Rachel and she quickly calmed my nerves as she was just seconds behind me. I got my stuff situated and next came the touch-up of the tan and the gluing of the suit. Had to make sure the back wasn't going to give me a wedgie as I walked across the stage and that the small remnants of boobs that I have left were glued in the right spot to hopefully give me some cleavage. LOL! Before I knew it it was time for the glaze on the skin and pumping of muscles to get into line for the prejudging event.
First came Novice and there were 8 of us amazing women going for the top 5 spots. The nerves and the shakes were there right when I took that very first step on stage. Do you know how hard it is to hold a pose, flex, and smile with every ounce while shaking from head to toe? It is extremely hard! A few quarter turns and call outs and we were off the stage and circling around for the next round.
Second came Open and there were 9 of us, the same 8 as in Novice plus 1 more addition person going for the top 5. The nerves were less this time around as I got the first jitters out. A few more quarter turns and flexing and call outs and we were off of the stage and done for the morning. In one hour I went from freak out to all done on stage. It was so fast that the mind didn't have time to really process what had just happened.
I felt great. I felt the adrenaline rush. I didn't really think at the time where I had placed or if I really cared. The fact that I walked out on that stage with the biggest smile I felt I could give and stood up there showing all of the hard work I had put in was all that I could do. As the morning continued on I still was beaming from ear to ear with excitement wishing it wasn't over. Wishing that those moments of quarter turns were longer, wondering if there was anything else I could have done differently.
After sticking around to see my amazing teammate Taylaur kick some bikini bootie, it was time for some lunch. I went and grabbed my Grandma from her hotel and off we went to Red Robin. I ordered a burger but I had completely misunderstood what Rachel wanted me to eat, haha. When she said a burger with no bun, my brain automatically thought no fixings or toppings so I ordered a plain old burger patty and had a couple fries. Apparently my brain cells were lacking at that moment because that wasn't what she meant at all!
During lunch my emotions changed. I was having a great conversation with my Grandma, but the reflection of certain feelings or things said were getting to me and I was letting it get to me. I knew that I had people supporting me, but I also knew that they really didn't want to go this particular event. This was hard for me because my family was in this particular group. I knew they wanted to show me support but they were not looking forward to watching this type of event to support me. That was hard for me mentally/emotionally. I was hurt. Feeling like the feeling of being uncomfortable at this event could be pushed aside for this particular day. This day was about me, as horrible as that might sound, but I needed them there 100%.
After a short break and food, including an absolutely amazing cupcake made by my buddy Aubrey, it was time to get back to the event for the main show.
It was time to check the tan again, glue the suit back into place, and go out on stage for our single call outs and the results of the top 5. Rachel found me and knew something was up. It was written on my face and in my eyes. I had to try and push it aside and get excited for this next go around. At this time I had figured out that I hadn't placed in the top 5 at all. I was starting to feel defeated and crushed and just a ball of emotions. Forgetting the reason for why I decided to do this in the first place. My journey was unlike any and they didn't know my journey. Unfortunately, the bio that I had written for my single call out wasn't said by the announcer so nobody got to hear my journey in a quick tidbit. The long day, the posing, the nerves, the emotions, the disappointment were all getting to me. My back injury was flaring up and I had a hard time standing tall and proud on that stage.
After not being called out for one of the top 5 spots, we left the stage and grabbed our scoring cards and had some photos taken backstage.
I glanced down at my score cards and instantly became more emotional. I was put at last place for both Novice and Open. Once again, forgetting everything that I had put towards this went down the drain because my competitive mind took over. Mad at myself trying to figure out what I did wrong. Why did I get last place? Seeing the other girls, I felt like I had just as much to offer as they did, but what was I missing. Deep down I knew this was wrong of me, but I was upset. All the hard work I had put in and I got last place.
The physical was over, but the mental and emotional toll was taking over me completely and I was broken. I felt like a loser and felt like I shouldn't have been on that stage. Maybe I wasn't ready? What was I thinking? Why did I do this? Why did I just spend all of this money to go through this process? All of the negative thoughts came flowing through and I was heart broken.
All of the kind words my friends, family, supporters were telling me were not enough to get me out of that giant hole of negativity. I wanted to crawl in a giant hole and never come out. But the night wasn't over and there were pictures to be done and I couldn't be that sore loser. I'm not a loser regardless of what those score cards stated.
The night ended and I was pushing through the thoughts. My new friend, Dixie, took me out to dinner and I ordered a REAL burger this time.
As the day came to a close and the next day started, all of the emotions were still running in my head. Trying to really wrap my head around what had happened and what it really all meant.
First and foremost, I realize how incredibly stupid it was to feel the way that I did. I wasn't a loser. I wasn't in last place. I was a winner in my own journey. The old me that hid in crowds and never wanted to step on stage and hated being the center of attention is no longer alive. I am proud of what I did and the work that I committed to doing. I did something that most people would never think of doing whether they are already fit or are not. I was scared but I was brave. I was picked apart by the judges and risked it all to get up there in just a skimpy suit. The only people there that knew where I started were there in the crowd supporting me. I put that smile on my face and bared all to a room of strangers. Baring every stretch mark to cellulite to muscle for all to see and I did it competitively and being comfortable enough in my own skin to do so. I fought against myself to get on that stage and it doesn't matter what the other ladies looked like compared to me. I had the confidence and the guts to work towards a goal and to not give up on that goal. To complete it 100% and knowing that I earned that spot up on that stage. That I sculpted every inch of that body that was up there with every drop of sweat I left on the gym floor. I achieved something that was completely impossible to me 4 years ago.
These words from an amazing friend spoke to me on this big day that I had to remember, "the best thing to do in this moment to stay level is to own it and enjoy the people there and don't be scared. When you get nervous let all the training, posing, and everything take over and think about the very first workout you ever did in this process. The way you felt, how hard it was to breathe much less move, and then the next hardest thing you remember is the burning in my lungs, the sweat, and the agony in each muscle as you tried to get one last rep in, and work slowly through each one. And for every person there, every set of eyes, you have a burning memory proving that you earned their time, you earned their respect, and you earned your own acceptance. You paid full price for the joy and for the power and feeling of smiling on that stage knowing your boundless power."
And just to put this out there, I was overthinking the family support. Yes they were uncomfortable, but they were damn proud of their daughter doing what I did. They never thought they would witness what they did or be me the one they were witnessing.
So to summarize quickly, I went from over the moon, to defeated, to giving up and feeling like a failure, back to remembering why I was on that stage and again feeling proud of everything I had achieved. Leaving the thoughts behind of feeling like a loser.
Want to know what's next for me? Stay tuned because that is a chapter that has yet to be written and has yet to be determined. I do know that my life isn't what it use to be. My life is a fight but it is one that I will fight for every damn day and give it 100%. I'm not a quitter or a loser. I AM A FIGHTER! You don't have to know my journey, you don't have to know me, but know this, I am here and I'm not leaving. You can pick me apart and you can compare me to others, but deep down, I know that I AM A WINNER and that is all that matters. Because at the end of the day, I didn't give up, not even once!
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