Goals....Why Do We Have Them?

We all have our reasons for setting goals when we are on a journey of fitness. We all start at different points in our journeys so no one goal is ever the same. You could be starting from a point of being obese or a point of just wanting to gain muscle. Everyone has different starting points and that is what makes it your journey and no one else's.

My journey started with being overweight and the only goal I made with myself on day 1 was to lose weight. I didn't look further into the future at what my life would be like once the weight was gone. My only focus was to make sure I went from the unhappy mom and wife weighing 252 pounds to being someone who was happy again with herself and weighing 180 pounds. But what I didn't realize is that goals change and the reason for those goals change. There is always something to look forward to and something to work for. I also didn't realize how much I would change as a person. A person who doesn't just want to hide out at home and not show herself to the world.

I was asked many times what my goals were and it was always just about the present and what the scale said. I revolved my goals around that and only that. But I also didn't know what other goals were or what they would look like. I didn't know what toning or leaning could do for my body. I was flying blind when I started my journey and I had a lot to learn. However, my goals changed all of the time as I continued to make progress and extending my knowledge. My goals did still have something to do with the scale but I always added something to it, whether it was inches lost, or body fat percentage. I learned that I could push my body (yes sometimes I pushed to hard when I shouldn't have) to the extreme and results were achievable. I also learned that my body is an amazing thing and I had to learn to love my body and everything it does for me on a daily basis.

What's my point behind this post?? My point is my goal now and why we have goals. I have surpassed all the goals that I had set for myself previously but I still wanted more. I was maintaining my weight, I was consistently showing up for my workouts, and I was doing what I could for my nutrition. However, I am competitive with myself and through this journey I want to push to do things I never thought imaginable. What can I be doing now that I never thought I would do?? Well, after a couple discussions with the tribe that I surround myself with and a little research competing in a fitness competition came up. I talked with those around me who have seen me go through this journey and whether or not it was something I should do. I received a lot of "HELL YES" and it honestly made me feel amazing to have a support system around me that  believed I could do it and that would watch me do it. My family supported me, my friends supported me, and most importantly I supported me.

What is really funny about this though, is that back in 2013 when I first had a sit down with Rachel (my amazing trainer and friend, really she is family to me) and we discussed my goals all I knew was weight loss. I remember telling her that I didn't want to be a competitor. I didn't want to get on stage. I was still the shy uncomfortable person who wanted to hide most of the time. Why would I want to be on stage when I didn't believe in myself? Again, I never looked to the future.

However, February 2016 I decided to go for it. After more conversations and watching YouTube videos, I told Rachel that I was ready to grab the bull by the horns and go. We both decided there was no need to rush into it because my body would react to everything better by going slow, planning, and being healthy. No extremes, no drugs, just me putting in the hard work every day and listening to my body. The plan is to hopefully compete this October 2016 assuming I don't have any set backs and everything falls into place like it should.What do I want to compete in? I want to go for figure. I have fallen in love with the muscle definition my body has started to show and I want to show that on stage. I want to have more of it.

Today, I went to my first fitness competition, NPC Big Sky Championship. If I am going to be in one in the future I had better get to one and really witness what it is all about. I was so impressed with the ladies who came out and strutted their stuff on stage. We don't know their stories and where they came from or why they are doing this. Every lady on that stage is different. Every one has a different level of confidence. One body on the stage could have flabby stomach skin from weight loss or having kids, one body could not have good glutes, one could be too thin, or that one person up there who has started a journey and decided to get up on stage as a first time competitor. These ladies were being judged for every aspect of their body and we all know that secretively we all wish we could put random parts of each body into one. We want her legs and someone else's shoulders but we can't take body parts from each person and create the perfect body. All we can do is love the body we have.

After just watching the prejudging event today that is truly what I felt. My body is my body and I have come to love and appreciate every aspect of it. My body is capable of so many amazing things. I know that my body won't look like the girls next to me and that is okay. I know the journey that I have been on to get to that point and what it took for me to achieve where I will be that day. The day I get on that stage I will own it because I know what it took for me to get there. I will get up there ready to shine and rock it. I will show my beauty and my confidence and know that I did that. I put in the work 100% to get to that point. The person standing next to me on stage didn't do the work for me. My friends or family didn't do the work for me either, they guided me and supported me. I DID THE WORK.

I've already transformed who I am by not hiding it anymore so I hope the world is ready to witness me not hide it anymore when it is time for me to get on that stage. Hiding is not an option for me anymore. Watch my body transform as I continue to put in the work everyday. Are you ready to go on this journey with me???

Something A Little Different

The purpose of this blog from the beginning was to document where I was and who I am becoming on my journey to a new lifestyle. It is also to discuss some goals that I am currently working towards that I have yet to talk about on here. But I have had some personal things come up recently that I would like to briefly talk about because I feel like it relates to the change I have gone through over the last 3 years.

I am a mom to 2 wonderful and crazy boys. These boys drive my crazy on a daily basis but they are also part of my why. Landon and Reiley are part of my fight because I need to be the best me that I can be so that I can be the mom that they deserve. They deserve a mom who will always be there for them, who cares for them, who loves them, and who would do anything for them.

Landon has had struggles along his growing up and these are struggles that I wish he didn't have. We started right out of the gate with acid reflux, eczema, and constant ear infections. Before we knew he he was having tubes in and a couple years later speech therapy because he was slightly behind the curve for 3 years old. This time, 5 years ago, we were experiencing behavioral issues with him while he was at HeadStart PreSchool. Some of these behaviors were hard to tell if it was just because he was a boy or if he really had struggles. Next became the enormous amounts of evaluations and testing done by our local schools to see what we could figure out. After weeks of this and countless meetings, the school felt he was ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder)/ODD (Oppositional defiant disorder). He was almost 5 and as a parent the last thing you want to hear is that your child has something fighting against him.

Just before he started kindergarten we had gone to a specialist to get a diagnosis, but he didn't believe Landon fit the criteria. He told me that Landon was a 5 year old boy who was possibly borderline ADHD but not ODD. Landon would either grow out of the behavior or he would get worse. To me that was the worst thing I could hear. Basically I have to sit and wait to see how it would play out. As time gone by we had ups and downs with behavioral issues at school, but he also couldn't make friends, and was just struggling.

As time has gone by he has also had to have 4 sets of tubes in for ear infections, after numerous tests diagnosed with asthma, and still has eczema issues. It has been nothing but a whirlwind of doctors and testing to see where we were with everything.

When Landon was ending 2nd grade we had the opportunity to transfer schools. We made the mutual decision to do this because we thought it would be a great fresh start for him. Meet kids that didn't know his past and didn't know of the struggles he has had. Hopes of him making friends and getting more involved. The school transfer also brought to light how much he was still struggling with behaviors and attention. So back to the drawing board and evaluations and different specialist. Only this time we were able to finally get a diagnosis of ADHD. This was a relief as it confirmed all of the testing we had done in the past and now we could hopefully find the way to help him. Therapy sessions, medications, and techniques in class all seemed to finally be helping. Only thing he was still lacking was friends.

Unfortunately, as of today, Landon still struggles. We have also added ODD back to the drawing board of diagnosis as he fits almost all of the characteristics of that also. When the school comes up on the Caller ID my gut sinks a little as the first thing that comes to my mind is "What now?"

So to the point of this, I have struggles with Landon on almost a daily basis. It is hard as a mom to battle with your child and to not know the best way to help him. This last week has been a true testament to that. A therapy session that showed me the other side that I never experience but that his teachers and school staff have dealt with on countless occasions. To watch a 9 year old go from calm to completely pissed off in a matter of 5 minutes and throwing items across the room was mind blowing. I know kids throw tantrums but this isn't a tantrum, this is full blown anger and it was over the simplest thing. Then the next day, I received a call from the school that something extremely serious was said by Landon during his group session and it is raising "red" flags (I would go into detail if I could).

Needless to say that after those two days of crazy emotions I was at my breaking point. I felt like a failure as a mom to Landon. How can I help him? I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like everything we have done in the past isn't working and we are back at square one. I was at an emotional breaking point and literally cried for 4 hours because I just couldn't do it anymore. The worst feeling in the world is feeling helpless when it comes to our children.

During my emotional breakdown though I realized how emotional of an eater I am. All I could think was finding every ounce of bad food in my house and eating it. I wanted to give up and just binge eat. I never really thought of myself as an emotional eater though. However, it took a lot of effort to not do it.

I was reminded though by my dearest of friends in my life of what they see. Those around me see how wonderful of a mom I am to Landon and Reiley. I work hard daily to make the right choices when it comes to them and putting them first. I can make mistakes and it isn't the end of my parenting. I care and they are the most important things in my life. I have changed because I didn't reach for that security blanket in food. I am a strong and beautiful mom who is being tested to her full potential right now but because I am a fighter and will fight for Landon and Reiley everyday I can handle this. It will be tough but I can do it.

My days are long and my days are busy, but they are equally divided between me time, work, boys, and family time. I do not feel like I have deprived any aspect of that and I will continue to fight.

What has this journey meant to me?

So in my first couple posts I wanted to share my story with you, and in all reality I did. But that was really just sharing the weight loss story. That story though wasn't sharing everything that I have learned about myself and who I am still learning to become.

The last couple of years I have grown into a person who I can believe in again. The journey I started the day that I walked into a gym was a journey to change who I was and truly be happy with me again. When I look back at the photos of the person trying on clothes or being forced to be in a photo, all I can see is someone who was unhappy. Someone who didn't believe in herself. Someone who hated life. Someone who didn't know who she was anymore. To be told I was beautiful was something I didn't take to heart. I always saw it as people just trying to be nice and not truly meaning what they meant. It didn't matter if it was coming from my family, friends, or even my husband. It didn't matter because I didn't believe it. I was someone who was there physically but mentally was at a complete loss. The someone who wouldn't let a true smile (you know the one) unless I faked it. I had to make a change, and the only way that change was going to happen was by going big. Walking through those doors to a gym and deciding that my life was important and that I needed to save the soul of the person who wasn't me. That day I had to not be afraid of what challenges would lie ahead of me. The changes that I would not only experience physically but also mentally and emotionally. It wasn't going to be easy but it had to happen and I had to find my "WHY". I had found the desire that I needed to love myself again, to be happy, and to let the real me shine through. 

I knew in my heart that the old me was still there. It was just buried deep inside and trying to dig herself out through all the sadness. I was always a shy person but once people got to know me I could really let them in. But as I buried myself in weight, I wasn't comfortable letting people in. It was hard to not want to continue being the shy uncomfortable person that nobody would want to talk to. Being uncomfortable in my own skin though prevented me from things that I wish wasn't the case. When you are uncomfortable the only thing I ever thought was "What do people really think of me that they don't want to say to my face?". I would care more about what others thought then what I thought about myself. 

I wasn't doing this for my husband. I wasn't doing this for my family or my friends. The people I loved also couldn't do it for me. I had to put in the hard work myself. Today, I am still Krystal, but I can actually believe in who I am. I can let people in and get to know them and let them get to know the real me. I don't have to hide in the corner anymore with my head hanging low because I am embarrassed of how I look. I don't feel like I have to worry as much about what people think.  

Did the scale change? Well of course it did. I had put 120% of my effort towards this change because I couldn't fail. I couldn't fail this time because I had failed too many times in the past. I am not a failure and I am competitive so I knew I had it in me. Going from 252 pounds to 160 pounds in about 2 1/2 years is a lot of hard work. There were injuries, challenges, moments of doubt, and times where I just wanted to throw in the towel. But I knew that in my heart of hearts that I couldn't give up this time. 

Now I am trying to get back to my roots, get back to who I was when life was simple. Fulfill dreams that I never thought imaginable. Goals that I would have never had on my bucket list. I want to document and share my journey, share my struggles and thoughts, and hope that I can help someone else out there who was just like me. Helping others has always been a passion of mine but I couldn't do it if I couldn't help myself. I've always wanted to be someone that made such an impact on someones life that they could rely on me to be there. 

I have found myself again and I refuse to lose what I have found because I love me! I can enjoy every aspect of my life and know that I am okay. I did this and I am me again!

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!!

Is Balance and Maintaining Achievable?

There are always days of self doubt when you are on a journey to saving your life. There will always be those days that make me wonder, will I always be able to maintain what I have achieved so far.  Or will I fall backwards into my old habits and reverse the amount of sweat and hard work I have put in over the last 2 years.

When I had written the summary of my journey in November I was at the lowest weight I had been at since high school. I was weighing in at 160 pounds and feeling great. That was a number I honestly never thought I would see, it wasn't part of my original goal and I was shocked when I hit that number.  However, the struggle came very quickly though of how to manage through the holidays. 

• How do you decide if it is okay to let loose over the holidays with your family and friends and not worry about the calories you are going to consume over Thanksgiving or Christmas?
• How do you decide if it is okay to have those few days to do so and that it doesn't mean all of the work is over?
• How do you learn to not worry about what the scale might reflect after enjoying those extra calories?
• Is there such a thing as maintaining and not feeling like you have given up and will go back to your old ways?

These thoughts are always in the back of my mind and I struggle with them a lot. It isn't just over the holiday season either. I have a huge fear of ending up back to the person I was. Being the unhappy and self-conscious person that I was. Sneaking food because I was too embarrassed to let my husband see that I was scarfing down cookies or a huge bowl of ice cream. I don't ever want to be that person again, but life sometimes gets in the way and it is a daily struggle.

I have to fight those little negative thoughts in my head on a daily basis. I almost always have temptation around me when it comes to maintaining healthy eating. It could be at home or at the office or just having an outing with some friends. I can't plan every day the way that I want to and I have to find balance. I have to remind myself that the one burger or the one Krispy Kreme isn't going to ruin everything that I have accomplished. That I can log that treat and know that I'm not going to gain 93 pounds back by just eating that one thing. It might taste good but it doesn't determine everything. The one day of not staying on track 100% isn't going to start me over at day 1. It just means that when I wake up the next day I don't focus on what I had the day before and I focus on the new day. It means that I can have balance and not feel guilty about enjoying the foods I no longer eat on a regular basis. 

I'm not going to lie and say that I don't weigh myself as often as I did the past. I get on the scale now more than I wish I did but because that fear of going backwards is always on my mind. I don't want to see that number go up. I don't want to feel like I have given up on me. I feel like I have to prove to myself that I can maintain now and still enjoy life. 

There are truly so many struggles in life and things will get the best of us. But it happens and it is life. But I have to take it one day at a time and know that it is okay. I am maintaining and I'm not sacrificing anything. 

The Fight to Continue......Goals....... (NOTE: This was originally written in Nov 2015)

Ending 2013 with finally seeing some changes made me realize I was capable of bettering myself.  I continued my workouts and even started running some races. However, 2014 ended up being a struggle for me as I had lost my focus on fueling my body properly. The scale would reflect that and I had many moments of being discouraged and ready to throw in the towel. There was no personal reason for lack of focus other than just not giving my all and forgetting why I had started this journey. I knew I was still losing inches because I would need to buy those new clothes but I was still frustrated with myself. In those 12 months, I had only gone down 15 pounds and I was disappointed with that. But now I can look back at that year and know that I needed that to push me forward to what was hopefully going to be the best year yet.

With that, I was ready to tackle 2015 head on and meet the goal I had set on that first day, to go from 252 pounds to 180 pounds so that I could be back to where I was pre-babies. This wasn't a small task but I had already lost 52 pounds so what was another 20? I just had to remind myself daily why I was doing this. What was my why? My why was still the same; I wanted to find out who I was as a person and push myself to the limits. By May, my goal was within reach and I was ready for it. I pushed harder, asked Rachel for advice in my eating, and was ready to give it my all. I put on my mirror at home that I would be under 180 by July 31st. It was time to log my food, up that protein, lower those carbohydrates, and hold myself accountable for everything I was doing. Stop making excuses and just do it. I was scared to get on that scale at the end of the month and not see a number that I wanted because I knew the amount of work I had put in. To my surprise though, I had done it. I had met my first and original goal after 2 ½ years of dedication.

Knowing that I succeeded at that accomplishment only fueled my fire more.  I held my head high with self-confidence and was proud of what I had achieved. Here I was, 10 months into 2015 and still pushing. Training hard for new goals and pushing my body until it cries for mercy. I haven't felt this amazing in a very long time and I wouldn't change it for anything. Hitting the ground running hard in 2015 was exactly what I needed and I was able to go down 39 pounds and countless inches.

In 30 months I had dropped 90 pounds. I did it slow and healthy and what I feel is the best way I could have done it. I have forever committed myself to the new lifestyle and I am glad that I took that first step to the gym. If I wouldn't have taken that leap I don't know where I would be today. Starting in a 3x shirt to now wearing size M and being uncomfortable in those size 22/24 pants to now loving my new size 7/8.  I don't know what my future holds because I am still trying to determine what goals I want next. Losing the weight was always number one and I never thought past that. I just assumed I would just stop once I hit that goal and be happy but I soon realized I needed more. Does my future hold competitions, maybe? Does my future hold just focusing on weight lifting goals, maybe? Or does my future just hold me being the best at what I can do? Maybe my future is helping others with their struggles and inspiring others so that they know it is possible.   My goals may not be clear right now, but I won't stop from putting one foot in front of the other and pushing for that purpose that I needed years ago.

If I could give you any advice at all, it would be to not give up. Take that first scary step to a new you. Don't worry about what the other people are thinking.  I am living proof that anyone can do it if they put their mind to it. All that matters is what you believe in.  Do you believe you can do it? Do you feel that hunger to become a better you? Are you ready to commit to a new lifestyle? Start with those baby steps because there are no shortcuts. Those baby steps could be committing to 3 workouts a week, eliminating that soda, or cutting out the fast food and learning how to meal prep. Find that one small commitment and stick with it before adding another. Surround yourself with positive people who can give you advice when needed. That accountability is going to play a huge role when making a lifestyle change. Those days where you feel like you are failing and you just think you need to give up, DON'T! Turn to that support system and ask for help.

Remember only you can make yourself happy and hold yourself responsible for what you want. You have to put in the effort to make it work for you. Find that purpose that makes you get out of bed every day to motivate you. That reason is going to keep you going on those days of self doubt and why you will continue to walk through those doors every day.

“Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your lungs and the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that yells “CAN’T”, but you don’t listen. You just push harder. And then you hear the voice whisper “CAN”. And you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.” ~~ Unknown

Where to begin.........The Struggle....(NOTE: This was originally written Nov 2015)

I have never felt 100% confident with my body or with how I looked.  Growing up, I struggled with low self-esteem and felt judged for my body and how I looked.  I wasn't always overweight. Even though I was a very active student in high school I didn’t look like an athlete.  Life happens though and that always causes our bodies to change.  I weighed 180 pounds as a full time college student and was living off of fast food. Then, everything changed when I became pregnant.  I didn't know how to be healthy while growing another human being, but I also never asked for guidance. I used the age old excuse, “I am eating for 2 so I can eat what I want” and that showed on the scale when I had my first son. Seeing that scale go from 180 to 230 pounds was devastating but I thought it was typical and the weight would fall off.  Unfortunately, that was not the case for me as I continued with my poor diet and lack or exercise. The weight stayed and when I became pregnant again a few years later it only got worse.  Before I knew it, I was pushing 250 pounds and that is where I would stay.

I had tried to put forth the effort to lose the weight but I was never able to commit 100% and I gave up way too easily. I wanted the quick fix. I wanted those huge immediate results so that I knew I was doing something right. I joined bootcamps, sought out advice from friends, but none of it was working for me and I felt defeated. I only thought I needed to be healthy for my husband and my boys. I didn't feel the need to be healthy so that I could be happy and find who I really am. I wanted to be healthy so that I wasn't judged as being the overweight mom or wife that was limited with what she could do.

At the age of 28, I was put on high blood pressure medication. I knew that I had family genetics playing against me and that my weight was definitely a contributing factor. This was definitely an eye opener and only proved to me that I needed to make a change. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life on medications for something that I could fix.

My life changed on a girl's weekend trip to Spokane. We were at Kohl's and I'm watching them try on cute clothes and all I could do was watch. The clothes in my size were in a very small section of the store and they were not clothes that I wanted to wear. So right there, in the middle of the store, I had an emotional breakdown. I started crying and just felt alone and embarrassed. I was 29 dressing like I was 40, on medications, hating myself, and just being completely unhappy. On the way home I had a very in-depth conversation with my friend's mom who had been on her own weight loss journey. What she had to say really hit home for me and she assured me that I could do it if I just set my mind to it.

I had to accept that my family would love me regardless of what I looked like or what the scale said. What really mattered the most was how I felt about me. How was I going to make myself happy and comfortable in my own skin? I had to do this journey for me and me alone. I felt that if I couldn't do this one task to better my life I was a failure. Scared to death, on May 1, 2013, I made the leap and joined the YMCA. All I could think to myself was that this entire gym was going to be watching this overweight person trying to use an exercise machine. I was terrified to say the least. I had friends going with me as a support system and they were showing me different workouts to try so that I could continue on my own. They had different goals than me though, they weren't unhealthy and needing to change their lives, and once they stopped going to the gym as often, I had to make the decision of how bad did I want this. Did I want it bad enough that I could walk through those doors on my own and succeed? There I was 29 and weighing 252 pounds, almost wearing a 3x shirt and size 22/24 pants. I was miserable! I had to make a commitment to myself that I was going to do this. I had to do this at my pace. Committing to just a few days a week at the gym to try and maintain a schedule. Eating right wasn't a priority yet; as I had to prove to myself that I wanted this and could do it. For four straight months I continued my workouts and then I decided it was time to incorporate the healthy eating. I was still at a loss but I tried to do some research and find out what I needed to do. It was tough, trying new foods and not eating the junk that was always in our cupboards. It took years to get to where I was and it wasn't going to come off overnight.

November 2013, I had new friends in my corner supporting me through my new lifestyle. They understood where I was heading as they were on the same journey. I was invited to try the FIRST SHOT FREE class at Title. I was scared to say the least. The first thought that came to my mind is that I would be that one person in class in the corner vomiting because I couldn't handle it. I wasn't ready for that high intensity workout. Plus all the fears of being judged for still being overweight and unhealthy came rushing back. This was a new place, new people, new everything. But I just had to take that first step and walk through those doors with my friends by my side and just do it. I remember Rachel being our first trainer and all I could think was “WOW” can I look like that!! She knew just what to say to make me feel comfortable and ready to take on the challenge of my first class.

By the end of 2013, I was down 37 pounds and feeling better about myself. I had made it 8 months without giving up and that was amazing. I was fitting into smaller clothes and slowly feeling more confident with myself. I still had a long ways to go but I wasn't going to give up.