4 Weeks Out.......

Everyday gets closer and closer to the goal I committed to a year ago. Everyday I have to have that discipline and that commitment to get me where I want to be. Those drops of sweat I live on the gym floor. The temptations of food in my house, at the office, or just in general. The donuts, the pizza, the wine, the everything I have had to try so hard to refrain from eating.

I have trusted everything Rachel has told me over the past 3 years and everything we have done as worked. I trust her as a friend and as a trainer. This is an absolute science but it has worked. I couldn't have wanted to work with any other person because she cares about me as I have gone through the process. Making sure I am feeling okay, that I understand everything, and that I am comfortable with it.

When I did my trial run last fall, I didn't realize how much work and commitment it takes to do this. This is a sport because it takes every last ounce of work to improve. Improving the body. Improving the nutrition. Keeping sanity. Improving discipline. Everything I have done the last 10 weeks is the same amount of work any athlete would do to improve what they love. All training that we do  is to improve ourselves in one way or another. The 6 days a week of cardio and lifting, the 6 meals a day to fuel my body for the energy, the times when I didn't want to get up but won't give up, it is all worth it.

These next 4 weeks will be even harder than the last 10 but I have to remind myself of the will power that I have. I have learned so much the last 4 years, that I know I can succeed at the next 4 weeks and be the best ME I can be. Will it be hard? YES. Will it be worth it? HELL YES. 

Today I started some new nutrition and I'm excited to see how it changes my body. Less carbs, lots of veggies, and protein. High, high, high carbs every once in a while. 

I bought all kinds of vegetable mixes so that I won't get bored with them. I am excited for a little change but I have to keep it simple and easy. Green beans, sugar snap peas, peppers, zucchini, salads, tomatoes, brussel sprouts, asparagus. Chicken, tilapia, and salmon. Eggs and Cream of Wheat.

The next 4 weeks I will push. I will push as hard as I can in the gym. I will push through every temptation. I will succeed. I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy. 

I will get the confidence I need for on that stage because I know I have it. I just have to let it shine the way that I can during any normal day. I'm an athlete, I'm a competitor. I am a woman who has found herself from the inside out and loves herself. My eyes glitter with self-confidence that was never there before. 

Am I perfect, no. But I am me and I will own me. 

It Isn't Easy......I Messed Up

Truth time......since my last blog post somethings have happened and it is time for me to shed some light.

Everything has seriously been great through this process until just recently. This process.....isn't made for everyone. It takes a toll on the body physically and mentally. I totally can see why people say a person's body isn't made to do this on a continual basis.

Last week it all caught up to me. Wednesday, I got up like I usually do and went to the gym for my first round of workouts for that day. Did my 45 minutes of cardio and my core/calf workout. Came home to get the boys off to school and myself to work. But as the day went on, I was feeling off. I couldn't exactly pin point what was going on and when I was asked how I was feeling I couldn't even describe it. I just knew something was off. I was suppose to go back to the gym that night after work for another round of 45 minutes of cardio.

Rachel happened to send me a text early that afternoon just to say hi and I told her something was weird. I had been contemplating earlier on whether or not to text her and ask how detrimental it was for my training to get in that second round of cardio in. She thankfully told me it wasn't detrimental at all. I had been on track with everything and my body needed rest. My muscles were more than likely depleted too much and needed to heal with rest. I have been pushing hard since January 1st and making sure I was hitting every workout plus balancing life and with only one rest day a week it was catching up to me.

I am not a huge fan of drinking water and I generally struggle with getting my gallon of water in by the end of the day but I get it in. On this particular day, from 5am to 1pm I had already guzzled my full gallon and was working on more. My body was more than likely craving that rehydration for some reason more than normal which is also a sign of needing rest. I wanted to chug a Spark but she advised me that it wouldn't help me and could dehydrate me more. I would get the boost of energy I was looking for but it wasn't what my body needed. I needed to rest to see more growth and not risk injury, more inflammation, or illness.

I am not one to ask for permission to not work out. Working out is such a huge part of my life now, and if it wasn't for her texting me, I more than likely would have still showed up at the gym like I do everyday. I thanked her for telling me to go home and rest and I did. I was out by 7:30 until 4:30 the next morning. I would have pushed through it and more than likely would have paid for it.

That Friday, I went to Spokane with my good friend Chelsea so that I could have LASIK done. I was feeling refreshed from the extra rest, packed my scale to weigh in and all my food to stay on track. The rest I had, staying on track, and a change up in supplements I had seen the scale change after plateauing the week before. The LASIK went perfect and I am so glad I did it.

While we were in Spokane, my body started to show signs of a menstrual cycle which was early for me. I am pretty much on schedule with my cycles and it was weird for me to be a week ahead of schedule. After checking with some people who also compete, I was informed it is pretty normal with the changes in body fat and weight loss. However it made temptations really hard to avoid.

This Tuesday, my true colors showed in the temptation department and my lack of control. I knew better but I couldn't help myself. I had a mix of everything going that day and I let it get the best of me. The temptations with the menstrual cycle, mental struggle with being told no more reward meals (crazy how much this affects a person, haha), rough day with Landon and behavior issues, and for being good for so long. I could have ate things that were a lot worse than what I ate, but what I ate is not part of my plan and considering I hate those things on top of what I was suppose to eat, I over did it.

I confessed to friends what I had done and I didn't want to say anything to Rachel at first. But I consumed the food that I did and I can't hide it because it is going to show in the weigh in and photos this week. I already feel it and know it and I am kicking myself in the butt for it. I knew better but I did it anyways. A friend and fellow competitor reminded me that this isn't easy. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

This morning Rachel asked me how I was feeling and my first thought was crap do I confess or do I not. I told her I was feeling okay and that I had an off day. I told her I was mad at myself for what I did and kicking myself in the butt for doing it. She reminded me that what's done is done and not to beat myself up over it and to also not work out extra thinking it will sweat away. I just have to put it behind me and move forward and stay on track. 

So in general, I am feeling great. I have just recently hit some rough patches as I am halfway through this. I am normal and this isn't easy. This is a lot of work mentally, physically, and emotionally. The progress I want doesn't happen over night and I have to keep pushing. I have to block out those temptations and remember again why I am doing this. 

I am just a girl fighting. Fighting for the new life I have fallen in love with. 

This is MY life
These are MY dreams 
I can have whatever I WANT to HAVE
I can be whatever I WANT to BE
I can go wherever I WANT to GO
I can do whatever I'm BOLD enough
I can do whatever I'm BIG enough
I can do whatever I'm STRONG enoughTo DREAM
And what I need to do it is already INSIDE of ME
Every tool that I need is already INSIDE of ME
I will NOT be DEFEATED
My GOAL will NOT be DEFEATED
My DREAMS will NOT be DEFEATED
I will NOT be DESTROYED
I will DEFEND what's RIGHTFULLY mine
These are MY DREAMS
This is MY LIFE
And from this day forward
I WILL LIVE IT

8 Weeks Out ~ Who am I Competing With?

I didn't have time to post an update last week for 9 weeks out from the big day as my schedule has still been super duper crazy. But I have a quick moment right now to give an update before hitting the pillows to start my Monday off really early.

The past two weeks have been filled with so much craziness that I am so surprised that I stayed a float. I am not sure how I have managed to do everything over the past 7 weeks but I have and I am proud of me for being able to stick to it all. Even on those days when I want to say, "No just go home nobody will know that you didn't do that cardio session." But I will know in the back of my mind that I gave up on that and it wouldn't sit right with me. So even though my body isn't tired but my mind is tired, I can't bring myself to say NO and give up.

Rachel, my trainer, has increased my cardio sessions from 30 minutes to 45 minutes and that is a struggle. Who would have thought that one thing that got me started on this journey to a new me would be the one thing I dislike the most. I started my days on the cardio equipment 4 years ago because I had no idea what I was doing and I would spend a good hour on them. Now I hate spending 45 minutes on them and I have to do half on one machine and half on another machine to keep myself going. I wish the weather would cooperate here in Montana so that I could maybe move my cardio outside instead and enjoy the fresh air with the dog/kids. But unfortunately Montana weather is bipolar and there is no such luck this time of year.

Anyways, my nutrition has stayed the same and eating the same foods over and over again for the past few weeks is tough, but hot sauce and dijon mustard have become my new best friends and I have to remind myself that this is all worth it in the end. The prize that I am putting all this hard work in for is near and I can't let the boring same foods get me down. Also, let me tell you what, to be eating 1,800 calories a day and maintaining the schedule I have is a blessing. If I had to eat much less than that I think I would die because I know my body would just give out on me and be like, "Hell no we can't move we are done.".

The change week to week in my body and my posing has been huge and I am absolutely falling in love with this challenge. When I give people all of the details they ask, "Why are you doing this?" or "Is this healthy to do?" and you know what I am doing this for me and to prove I can do it. Is it healthy, it definitely can take a toll on the body and I couldn't see myself doing it more than once a twice a year that is for sure. The body is a hidden treasure to maintain and keep and love and the amount of stress it can undergo during this time is completely unbelievable and amazing. During this challenge I have fallen in love with not just my physical transformation, but the science behind it all. There are so many things that go into transforming the body in an all natural and healthy way. I am not about to pump my body full of steroids or other drugs to get the muscles that I would I love to have. Nope not one bit. I am all about fueling my body the right way and doing it all natural.

So, why am I doing this? Because I want to challenge myself. I want to be competitive with myself and push myself to the limit. Strain every ounce of my potential everyday on that gym floor until it cries for mercy. I want to prove to myself that I have not only accomplished a brand new lifestyle over the last 4 years, but that I have fought long and hard for the love in myself that I have now. That I can get on that stage and I am not competing with anyone else. I am being compared to others but I am only competing with me.

 

As I head into these next 8 weeks, I am ready. My work schedule will be a little lighter. The glasses are vanishing on Friday the 24th as I go in for LASIK. Go find and buy myself some fake boobs for my suit (oh the joys of weight loss and going from a DD to an A cup). I have to schedule my tan for the show. Upcoming hair appointment. Maintaining my 6 days a week in the gym, 2 posing practices a week. Oh and of course the most important is being a wife and a mother. My days will still be full every minute of every day, but it will be worth every ounce of sweat I leave on that floor.

Who am I doing this for? Me and only me as I am only competing with myself!!!!

10 Weeks Out......

These past couple of weeks my schedule has been crazy. It is definitely a true test to determination when the days are starting at 3 or 4 in the morning and going until 8 or 10 that night. To be able function and think straight like that for 5 days a week definitely takes a toll on the mind and the body. By the end of the week I am exhausted and all I can focus on is when my head gets to hit the pillow at the end of the day and sleep.

However, exciting changes have happened. I sat down with my trainer, Rachel, and got things planned out for the big day. I am a planner so I needed to have things checked off the list and ready. So after talking with her, I got my NPC (National Physique Committee) Card so that I could register for the event.

I had goosebumps when I was signing up for both. All I could think is, "Is this really where I am today?" Never in a million years would I have seen myself being at this very spot today. Within no time I had signed up for NPC, registered for the event, hair/makeup scheduled, nails scheduled, and brazilians waxes scheduled. There is of course more to do but most of that just has to wait and I can handle that.

Even with the long and crazy days I have been successful at keeping my nutrition on track with my plan and my gym time in regardless of when it is. I am so thankful for those that are willing to hit the gym with me whether it is early in the morning or late at night. They help keep me accountable so I make sure I still get it done. There is no turning back and I'm not a quitter. However, many days, those second helpings of Spark really come in handy to keep me functioning.

My body is reacting to the change in nutrition and workout regimen exactly how Rachel expected it to. That made me feel really good about it all. I have noticed the changes in my body but to be reassured that I am doing everything right and it is working made me feel even better about the whole thing. It took a little bit for my body to adjust to everything but it has caught up to me now. I

I also decided it was time to stick that suit back on! No more posing practice in shorts and a bra. I needed to feel more and really be able to see how my body was looking when I'm posing. It is so much easier to see what I need to work on and the angles that body can work with. I have figured out which side is my good side so I need to work with that and nail it. I am still struggling with posing and oh my goodness it isn't easy. When watching the competition you would think it is just standing on stage and flexing but there is so much more to it. The perfect twist in your body, perfect movement, sass, and everything else that goes with it. Posing itself is a workout and my lower back and hips always feel it afterwards. Thank you Tiffany and Dixie for all of the encouragement and pointers so far. I appreciate it so much!

For me, I know I have the nutrition and training down so I need to focus on my posing a lot more. I am at the gym so much that I can make a quick sneak to the room to pose. I carry my heels with me all of the time so I have no excuses. 

Over the course of the last few weeks it is clear that the athlete that was there before in high school is back. I am competitive and always have been. I might not have been the most talented basketball or volleyball player in high school but I was always competitive and wouldn't give up. That is the same mindset I have here. I will not give up, I will put all 110% that I have in it, and I will shine on that stage no matter what!

Here is to the next 10 weeks of fighting through every minute of every day to give my 110% to being the best me on that stage!

Team TNT all the way

I'm Not Beautiful Like You.......I'm Beautiful Like Me

I can't guarantee that this post is going to make any sense, but today has just been a day and I want to get thoughts out somehow.

Sundays are my rest days now since I am busy the other 6 days of the week with everything else. At first I wasn't thrilled with the Sunday rest schedule because Sunday's were my jam at the gym, but now I am glad this is the day I rest. I still end up at the gym but it is just to take photos and work on my posing. Absolutely no work outs involved.

Today started as a normal Sunday though, I got plenty of rest last night (like 10pm to 730am) which is not a usual for me anymore. I woke up feeling great after yesterday's high carb reward meal day. Had my first meal, did a little meal prep, and went to the gym for posing and photos. On my way got a little coffee treat.

I was feeling good before I started posing. Quick looks in the mirror while I was walking around in my heels and I was noticing the changes in part of my body just over the past week. My legs were looking tighter and my upper body looking fierce. I have been trying to practice my poses in some form every time I'm walking past a mirror because that is the only way I'm going to get better. So I was really hoping posing today would go better than the last few times.

Today though I was struggling with getting my lats to flare. I know that is a hard pose in general but I was having luck with it lately. Today though, it just wasn't happening. Then mentally I started nitpicking at things that I don't need to. Why can't I just figure it out? Why doesn't my stomach look good yet? Will I be ready for this?

Got through our posing session and put my smile on so I could get home. My appetite hasn't been much today and my schedule is out of whack. I felt like I could close my eyes and go to sleep at any moment so around 2 I thought I would take a short little nap. I thought my body was finally just needing to shut down for awhile and catch up. However, I don't think I ever actually fell asleep. I did lay in bed for almost 2 hours, eyes closed, but I don't think I actually slept. Maybe that is okay though. My brain wouldn't shut off and I was having body aches.

Got up in an off mood and got my meal prepping done with no excuses.

So back to my doubts, I am 12 weeks out from the big day and I still have time to perfect my posing. I still have time for my body to continue to change. I know it will change because it did when I did the trial run and it is still changing every day. As I'm typing this I am reminding myself that almost 4 years ago I was a lazy bum weighing 252 pounds. Reminding myself that my body has been through a huge transformation over the past 10 years. My body had grown two amazing kids over the course of 4 years, my body had gained 70 pounds over those 4 years, and my body has lost 97 pounds over another 4 years. I have lucked out in the fact that with all of the transformations I have gone through that my body has reacted the way it has with elasticity in my skin. Most people who lose the amount of weight I have would require skin removal surgery. I on the other hand don't have much for loose skin other than my midsection.

My midsection however though is the one area that I am the most self conscious about. Not because my stomach is covered in stretch marks. I earned every single one of those stretch marks becoming a mother. Those stripes are mine and mine forever. My worry is the loose skin and I know that this is the very last thing to happen and it will happen. I have to stop worrying about it. I have to remember that when I went and witnessed my first competition last year that all of the amazing women on that stage had different bodies and they rocked the shit out of it. Moms up there on that stage who also had stretch marks and loose skin. 

However, I will say that as I was putting together my little photo comparisons this evening, I see progress. I see change where change needs to happen. I see me who is letting her confidence show in the poses she is capable of right now. I am a work in progress and I am happy with what I see. This transformation isn't just from 1/1/17 to 4/15/17. This transformation started on 5/1/13 and will never stop. 

I see my strong points physically and it is just a matter of figuring out how to get those strong points to reflect when I'm posing. How to show off the amount of work I put in every day. 

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So even though I felt like today was a hard day for me, I know it was a day where I needed to just rest and relax. A day where I let myself get in my head but I am not defeated. I love who I see in the mirror and I am no model. I am me and only me. I'm not beautiful like anyone else out there. I'm beautiful like me and only me.

Follow up post

It has been a couple weeks since I wrote the last post into my journal. Time management has definitely been tough to keep but I will get there.

Right now work is crazy busy for me with audit and tax season, but luckily our first deadline is in a few weeks so the pressure will ease up there a little bit. Working roughly 50 hours a week makes for long days sometimes but got to make the money and pay the bills somehow, right?

Add the long work days to the training schedule, 6 days in the gym. Sometimes going back after work to get an extra quick cardio session in can be tough and times where I wish I would have done it all at once, but then again time management. Would I rather get up at 3 am everyday to make sure I got my gym time in, or split up the time in the gym and do a quick 30 minute session as a stress reliever after a long day at work? I choose the later. Most nights that might mean I don't get home until 7 or 8 and that takes away time from the family, but I make a point to make up for that on my rest day. That rest day is meant for family time because if they are going to support me in this journey then I need to be there for them as well. I can't leave them in dust just because I am trying to prove something to myself.

Nutrition hasn't been difficult, luckily my current nutrition is all planned out for me so all I have to do is cook it and eat it. That is the one thing I do take care of on my rest day is making sure that my meals are planned for the week. It is pretty simple since I am really only eating a few different varieties of food right now so prep doesn't take me quite as long. In all honestly the measuring and weighing everything takes the longest and dividing everything up into ziploc bags. But that is the only way I can guarantee I am fueling my body right now with everything it needs. If I don't fuel my body properly then I am not going to see change and I am going to get run down extremely fast.

Last week was tough adjusting to the schedule of training, work, and mom/wife duties but I managed to push them and rested up as much as I could Saturday/Sunday. This second week has been a lot better now that I have adjusted to the routine. Most of my days I wake up determined and with my game face on ready to hit that gym hard and make sure I get that time in. I have already witnessed the change since I made this commitment a year ago, but now the true changes are really going to happen.

Competitions are a sport and they are tough but right now I also think they can be fun. The excitement of seeing the change in the body. The excitement of what all of the hard work and end result is. The excitement of knowing that in roughly 12 weeks I will be standing on a stage in front of however many people and being judged for my physique. Regardless I am an athlete and I am competing in a sport with numerous other amazing athletes.

Since sticking to my nutrition I have gone from 164 (only a little weight gain from the holidays thankfully) to 160, but my body is changing as well and my posing is slowly getting better.

I am so very thankful for the help and knowledge I am receiving from fellow competitors right now as well. Posing is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be so I have to practice as much as I can. Every time I'm in the mirror I will try and do a pose or get a muscle to pop. It is a workout in itself to get the muscles and twisting the way you want it to go. It also shows my weak points in my body structure (spinal issues) as I have issues with twisting one way better than the other. 

I have a lot of work still to continue doing over the next 12 weeks but I have what it takes.

Here I go....14 Weeks Out! (Post from 1/6/17)

This post is actually from my journal from 1/6/17 but I have been so busy that I haven't had time to get it out to everyone else yet. So here it goes.....

The time has come to get real. Time to get serious. The commitment I made to last February is here and it is go time. These last few months have been a ride. Life in general is good, not perfect, but good. I'm still trying to figure out how to live for me and to be okay with that. I'm loving me but I have to figure out the rest.

I made a commitment to myself and it is time to follow through. I completed my trial run of prep for a competition in November and I felt amazing through it all. Tweaking as we went and figuring it all out. Watching my body change over the weeks and really being able to see what I am capable of. 

I have talked the talk the last few months and now it is time to prove to myself that I got this. I don't need to prove it to anyone else. I know people will be there to cheer me on and support me but those people aren't who I'm doing this for. Do I need their support?? Absolutely!!!! But I am doing this for me. I am doing this competition because I have gone through such a transformation that I want to prove to myself that anything is possible after all of what I have accomplished. I committed to doing this for me. I have gone through the transformation of a shy overweight mom/wife to a mom full of sparkle and muscles. 

I'm ready to put in the work that is needed. I am 14 weeks out from being on a stage in a bikini!!!! Like seriously, is this really happening??

It didn't really set in until I received my training and nutrition schedule from Rachel. That made everything real. Time to see what I am made of. Can I manage the schedule of being in the gym, work, nutrition, and still being a mom/wife at home. Time management will have to be my friend. 

No excuses!!!! No Pain No Gain!!!

These are my starting photos from 12/31/16. Photos to be taken weekly!